florida

thousands of coffee cans wash ashore florida
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Somewhere out there, a barge is missing some very important cargo.

This morning, thousands of cans of Cafe Bustelo coffee washed up on shore in Indiatlantic, Florida. If you happen to live near by, you may want to jump in your car and join other residents in looting beaches for cans and cases of precious, precious caffeine. The coffee suffered a long and tumultuous journey on the open ocean after it likely fell off a cargo ship headed for Puerto Rico, but the goods inside are reported to still be sealed and dry.


Look at those poor cans; they're suffering! Take them home.
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Alas, poor unidentified person. We never knew you well.

Local Florida news station WPBF reported on a homeless man who had a very unconventional way to uncover a dead body.

Nick Pecoraro works at a strip mall in Sebastian, Florida. One day he saw a homeless man walking around the parking lot, using a skull like a "puppet". The man was talking to it and talking to people with it. Pecoraro said he thought it was fake until he got up close.



Nope. Real.

He immediately call the police.

According to WPBF:

Indian River County Sheriff's Office spokesman Thomas Raulen said the skull was part human remains discovered in a wooded area near U.S. 1 and Roseland Road.

Raulen said the unidentified homeless man had been living in the wooded area when he stumbled upon the skeletal remains near a path. "He had put the skull on top of a trash can over there because he wanted to tell somebody to call the Sheriff's Office," insisted Raulen Tuesday.

Raulen said the man willingly led investigators to scene.

...Investigators said its too early to tell the cause of death or the gender of the victim.



Good job on continuing to give us things to write about, Florida!

US Senate candidate says he did sacrifice a goat and drink its blood.
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Florida, folks.

Libertarian candidate for the United States Senate Augustus Sol Invictus has some admissions beyond that fact that his name is not the one given to him at birth (Augustus Sol Invictus is Latin for Majestic Unconquered Son).

Speaking to the Orlando Sentinel Oct. 5, the 32-year-old lawyer admitted to some pesky rumors that had been flying around him.

You know, the usual political attack ones about sacrificing a goat to the god of the wilderness and drinking its blood.

"The only question is when are the citizens going to start fighting back?" he said in a phone interview Friday. "I don't think I'm the only person who sees a cataclysm coming, but I think I'm the only person saying it, and I think that scares people."

Sacrifice? Yes. Brutal and sadistic? Not according to Invictus.

"I did sacrifice a goat. I know that's probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans," he said. "I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness ... Yes, I drank the goat's blood."

He admits he's been investigated by the FBI, the U.S. Marshals and other law enforcement. He is confident they're still watching him, in part for a series of YouTube videos and other writings in which he discusses government. He renounced his citizenship in one paper, and in another he prophesied a great war, saying he would wander into the wilderness and return bearing revolution.

"I guess it makes me feel flattered that they think I am a threat to the stability of the system. It makes me think one man can make a difference," Invictus said.



That's kind of the tip of the iceberg if you take some time to dive into his campaign website.

The first question on his FAQ?

"Why are you using Mussolini's symbol if you're a Libertarian?"

Can't you lead with a soft ball question for yourself? Like 'Why do you want to be a US Senator?'

On top of the goat thing, he's also said that he was inspired to run for office after hiking from Florida to the Mojave Desert and renounced his US citizenship in 2013. Oh, and he has also alluded to a violent overthrow of the government. Oh, and he's probably fascist.



You can watch his candidacy announcement here. Spoiler, he doesn't mention animal sacrifice.

Crash split car in half and man survives with no life threatening injuries.
Via: WFLA
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Don't ever split a cab with this guy.

Get it?????????????????

Local Florida news channel WFLA says a 20-year-old suffered 'non life-threatening' injuries when he destroyed a car in just about the most complete way possible.

Winter Haven Police say the crash happened Tuesday just before 7 p.m. when Carlos Pino, 20, was traveling westbound along Cypress Gardens Blvd. At the curve near Interlochen Blvd., police say Pino lost control of his silver 1986 Nissan 300ZX and started to slide on the wet roadways as he negotiated the curve.

Pino overcorrected losing control of the vehicle and he started to skid sideways. Ultimately, the vehicle left the roadway striking a tree with the driver's side front wheel and quarter panel. The impact of the crash caused the vehicle to split in two with the front engine compartment on one side of the tree and the vehicle's cab with Pino buckled in coming to a rest on the opposite side of the tree. There were no other vehicles involved in the crash.



I mean, just look at this nonsense.







I feel like I have life-threatening injuries just looking at these pictures.

We have a word of warning for Mr. Pino:

Don't trust anyone who calls themselves 'Mr. Glass'.

A woman plotted to kill a homeless man for giving her grandkids lice.
Via: Gawker
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It's like Florida has an unending bet with itself to commit the most novel, unexpected crimes.

That seems to be this complicated case, in which one extremely protective grandmother tried to contract an ex-in law to murder a homeless man who was dating her daughter.

Also lice was involved.



According to Gawker:

Pamela Vanorsdale, 50, allegedly called her daughter's ex-husband last Thursday and asked him to "pop" the homeless man, 22-year-old Dylan Loveless, in the head and chest. Loveless had apparently been abusive to Vanorsdale's grandchildren, choking and chasing them, but when the kids came home with lice, that was the last straw.

The ex told police about her alleged attempt to hire him as a hitman, but she claimed she was "only joking." Some of the things she was only joking about allegedly included: being able to provide the prospective hitman with a gun, wanting Loveless shot "in the head and chest," being able to clean and dispose of the gun, and wanting the body dumped in South Carolina. She also "joked" that she could lure Loveless out of his homeless camp with the promise of work.




Doesn't she know that medicative shampoos exist?

As well as the police?

If some homeless person is messing with your grandkids, the police are probably the people to call.

Turtle habitat guard gets shot in the butt by drunk.
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Guarding endangered sea turtle nests doesn't sound like it would require a gun, but one guy in Florida thought it necessary.

New York Daily News reported that 72-year-old Stanley Pannaman was just minding his own business July 18, volunteering for an organization who protect sea turtle habitats until the little eggs hatch and the turtles find their way into the sea.

The Tamarac resident, who grew up in Queens and raised his family in Bay Shore, Long Island before retiring to Florida in 2001, volunteers for a local group that sits by sea turtle nests on the beach and ensures they are not disturbed until the tiny baby turtles hatch and go to the ocean.

The nests are surrounded with sticks and tape and Pannaman makes sure no person or animal hurts the sea creatures. When they are born the tiny turtles may be drawn to the light from nearby cars or homes, so Pannaman will pick them up and bring them to the water.



That is until Michael Q. McAuliffe came along and ruined the night.

McAuliffe, who was very drunk, got close to the protected habitat and in the volunteer's face about his dislike of "turtle people". He jumped on Pannaman and took the Vietnam veterans gun away. McAuliffe then shot the elderly man in the abdomen where the bullet lodged in his derriere.

The police came, arrested McAuliffe and sent Pannaman to the hospital who was then released July 19.

Despite being shot with his own wedding, the Florida has no regrets.

Pannaman said he doesn't regret bring the gun and is just happy he didn't bring his normal Taurus .357 Magnum that would have caused him greater injuries.

"I figured I was going to the beach, I figured I could just carry the .32 caliber pistol," he said.



Thankfully, all the sea turtles are fine and nary a bobcat was seen near the nest.

funny-news-extension-politics-florida-man
Via: IJR
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We could all use more “Florida Man” with his crazy antics in our lives, and fortunately we have two of them running for president.

Marco Rubio has officially declared his candidacy, and Jeb Bush is expected to officially throw his hat in the ring soon, even though he sort of already let it slip a few weeks ago.

And so the Independent Journal Review took the next logical step and developed a new Chrome extension which replaces any instance of their names with “Florida Man.”

For example:



More importantly, it will also randomly swap all references to “Florida Man” with one of the two candidates, creating some amazing headlines like this one:


No that didn’t actually happen to Rubio. but it certainly makes reading about the already crowded Republican race much more entertaining.

Once you download and enable the program, head on over to Florida Man’s Twitter account for endless fun.

Well done, IJR, well done.





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