The Most Florida Headline of the Day: This Woman Went on a Crack Binge, Gave Birth, and Gnawed off Her Own Umbilical Cord

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The Most Florida Headline of the Day: This Woman Went on a Crack Binge, Gave Birth, and Gnawed off Her Own Umbilical Cord
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There isn't much more that can be said other than that. I'll let the news piece speak for itself:

Vincent Terry, Hassell's boyfriend, left with the 11-month-old boy to run an errand, so Hassell delivered the baby alone in the bathtub. According to a Marion County Sheriff's Office report, Hassell even cut the umbilical cord with her teeth.

"At one point, according to her telling investigators, the baby stopped breathing," said Judge Cochran, public information officer for the Marion County Sheriff's Office.

Hassell's first call wasn't to 911, though. It was to her boyfriend, who she told to hurry up and get back to the motel. But, as Terry sped to return, he was pulled over by Marion County deputies. He was wanted for attempted murder in Colorado.
Her other child, 11 months old, is in state custody. There are no words, people.

Idiot of the Day: Florida Man Stopped for DUI, Says He Was Trying to "Drive it Off"

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Idiot of the Day: Florida Man Stopped for DUI, Says He Was Trying to "Drive it Off"
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Michael Moore was arrested last month after speeding late after midnight. Moore was given a breathalyzer test and registered blood alcohol content readings of 0.104 and 0.103. The legal limit in Florida is 0.08.

The arrest affidavit states, "He also told me that his wife told him that he (had) been drinking too much so he decided to go out and 'drive it off.'"

This Can't Be Good of the Day: Herpes-infected monkeys terrorize Florida

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This Can't Be Good of the Day: Herpes-infected monkeys terrorize Florida
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In today's news from the "oh my god we're all going to die" department, hoards of rhesus macaque monkeys carrying the Herpes are on the loose in Florida, according to the state's wildlife officials. First discovered in 1932, Herpes-B is one of the few known non-human varieties widely considered to be a deadly health threat to humans, with more than two dozen deaths linked to infections and the majority population of the 700 primates captured in the past decade having tested positive for the virus.

This Is All Kinds Of Wrong of the Day

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This Is All Kinds Of Wrong of the Day
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Florida courts continue to show a bass-akward way of dispensing justice -- 31-year-old Marissa Alexander has been sentenced to a 20-year bid for firing "a warning shot" to her husband, who was attacking her during a 2010 incident. Rep. Corrine Brown said the failure of the Stand Your Ground act is based on race:

How many times have they accepted Stand Your Ground if the person that was asking for it was black? You tell me.

Alexander next will appeal the court's decision, with Brown's aid.

[floridatimesunion]

The Plot of Footloose IRL News of the Day

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The Plot of Footloose IRL News of the Day
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Weston, FL, has banned nightclubs, dance halls, and skating rinks (really?) in an effort to curb violence, thus propagating the stereotype that it's mostly the elderly who live in Florida. Fortunately, the city has agreed to allow school dances to occur, so kids will have an outlet to fist pump and dance poorly to Skrillex and Drake. John Lithgow or Kevin Bacon could not be reached for comment because they were presumably too busy face palming and shaking their heads.

[timenewsfeed]

Bizarre Blotter Item of the Day

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Bizarre Blotter Item of the Day
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Bizarre Blotter Item of the Day: A Florida man was arrested Monday for allegedly assaulting his mother over a can of salsa and taco sauce.

According to a Manatee County Sheriff’s Office report, 23-year-old Christopher Phillips became upset after his 55-year-old mother Rebecca used his salsa and taco sauce o