crime

Mike Rowe needs you to hear him loud, and hear him clear, when he tells you he's not robbing banks.

The former 'Dirty Jobs' Host and 'Deadliest Catch' narrator's under a great deal of scrutiny after an image of what appears as Mike Rowe from a frickin parallel universe, holding up a bank, surfaced. The resemblance is uncanny, in every sense of the word.

The rumors went viral after various folks across Facebook joked that this was a maddened, wild ploy by Rowe to kickstart a new season of 'Dirty Jobs.'

Rowe was quick to the punch and fought to quell the fast uprising of these rumors by releasing an alibi on his Facebook page: "For what it's worth, I was in Kansas Monday, and can prove it, if need be."

Rowe went on to bury himself in a bit of a hole by offering up something of an outlandish theory, "what if the thief was not an idiot, but a clever person of below average height wearing a Mike Rowe Mask?"

Alright. Will the real Mike Rowe please stand up?

This latest bailout brings the total sum of funds Marie Holmes has dished out for her drug-trafficking boyfriend Lamarr McDow, to a whopping $21 million.

She's a multi-million dollar enabler who got lucky with the lottery, won a grand lump-sump payment of $181 million, and has since spent her winnings in the seemingly most irrational and symptomatically insane way possible. See McDow below.

Holmes has bailed her depraved and ungrateful boyfriend out from behind bars three times since March 2015. Someone close to this lady needs to talk some sense into her, and quick.

Bright and early Thursday morning, Couch's mother, Tonya Couch, returned--not by choice, mind you--to Los Angeles in a malestrom of controversy, where she was then arrested for allegedly helping her son flee the country.

The media however picked up and ran with a different, but beautifully ridiculous tidbit: Tonya's a stone cold knockout doppelganger for 'Carrot Top.'

One of these is 'affluenza' teen's mom Tonya Couch. The other is actor/comedian Carrot Top. You decide. pic.twitter.com/iWTo0aMOKY

— Matt Moreno (@TheMattMoreno) December 31, 2015

Like, wait, what now?

from thumbnails i keep thinking the affluenza teen's mom is carrot top pic.twitter.com/05uNo58ccQ

— Alex Bedder (@itgetsbedder) December 31, 2015

Real problem for #EthanCouch? Going on the run with Carrot Top. pic.twitter.com/hHJZvIOxmY

— Steve Lehto (@stevelehto) December 29, 2015

The poor fella needed protection from the protection he so adamantly, and somehow recklessly tried to acquire.

ABC News reports the 29-year-old man and a couple his buddies planned to steal the condoms by blowing the rubbers vending machine to smithereens.

Amidst the explosion the three fools took shelter in a car nearby, but the victim failed to close his door, and took a fatal shot to the noggin from a flying piece of metal.

Brought to you fresh and fried out of Lecanto, Florida, The Citrus County Sheriff's Office arrested a woman on shoplifting and drug paraphernalia charges. She was apprehended amidst a shopping cart fueled joyride out of hell.

The woman's been identified as Josseleen Elida Lopez, 25. Lopez was held after scarfing down $32.36 worth of food and wine. She told the authorities she's homeless.

If you're going to hit rock bottom, at least eat some chicken, and wash it down with some wine right? In all seriousness we wish Lopez the best on her road to recovery. Deputies disclosed to the press that they found two empty syringes after arresting Lopez, which she claims she used to inject crystal meth.

A Chicago police officer shot and killed 19-year-old black man Quintonio Legrier, and 55-year-old black woman Bettie Jones this morning, while responding to a domestic disturbance call, officials said.

As officers were called to the scene this morning at 4:25AM they were informed Legrier was seen brandishing a baseball bat, and in an evolving confrontation with his father. The officers described the young Legrier as a "combative subject."

Chicago Police dispatch audio from this morning's fatal police-involved shooting. #ChicagoScanner https://t.co/dvD9YTsC8s

— Christopher Smith (@chrissmith) December 26, 2015

Legrier's mother told the press his son was dealing with mental issues and was prone to loud, but never violent behavior.

Quintonio LeGrier's mom: "You call the police, you try to get help and you lose a loved one" https://t.co/AgPBZRrRCX pic.twitter.com/eyjJyhm8sD

— Chicago Tribune (@chicagotribune) December 26, 2015

"My son has seven bullet wounds in him," Cooksey told WLS-TV. "That's too much." Police disclosed the shooting is under current investigation, and has been referred to Chicago's main police oversight agency.

No means no—yup, even to twerking.

Video of two women twerking on and groping a man at a gas station in Washington, D.C has led to one of the suspect's arrest.

Footage released by Metropolitan Police Department on Nov. 9 shows two women sexually assaulting a man by grinding on him and trying to gab his crotch.

Inside the store, the man asked the clerk for help and got this reply: "What do you want me to do?"

The man said the two women followed him outside to continue the assault.

The woman in custody has been charged with third-degree sexual abuse and police are offering a $1,000 for information leading to the other suspect's arrest.

A man who had just finished binge-watching The Walking Dead on Netflix told police he killed his friend because the victim was slowly turning into a zombie.

Police say the New Mexico man, 23-year-old Damon Perry, beat his pal to death with an electric guitar and microwave before being taken into custody for threatening people with a knife around his apartment complex.

Wow, no chill.

Two maintenance workers held down the man before police arrived.

He was taken into custody where he told police his friend tried to bite him, Walker style.

A local newspaper says Perry was intoxicated at the time of arrest.

Did the suspect look something like this?

"The children look delicious. May I have a taste?"

Whoa.

Police say that's the message in a letter sent to a Minnesota family by a disgruntled neighbor who was angry the family's young children were being loud.

The note came from 38-year-old Carrie Pernula, who is now facing charges of gross misdemeanor terroristic threats and stalking.

"She was angry because the kids were leaving things in her yard and I think being a little noisy, being kids, the way kids are," Champlin Deputy Police Chief Ty Schmidt told WCOO.

She also reportedly sent magazine subscriptions to the family under the name of "Your Tasty Children."

Pernula must have been watching too much Hocus Pocus.

Stupid is not a strong enough word to describe these alleged jewelry thieves.

Police say a man and woman were arrested this weekend in Palm Springs after stealing a bracelet and ring from an art studio. And how were they caught?

They signed the guest book.

Megan Ohara, 24, and David Ziskoski, 19, were arrested for allegedly stealing the jewelry, which was valued at $6,000.

Here's how it went down, according to the Sun Sentinel:

When confronted, Ohara told police she had the items in her purse. She gave the officers the ring and bracelet, and subsequently, she and Ziskoski were arrested.

As officers arrived back to the gallery, the artist said he had noticed something in his gallery's guestbook. Someone had written multiple fake email entries into the guestbook, including "wedidnttakeit@gmail.com," according to the arrest report.

Two of the fake emails included the name "Meg" and one included Ohara's phone number next to it. Also on the page was a drawing of male genitalia and a woman's face labeled as "Meg."

Someone get these two a Darwin Award, stat!

A psychic actually predicted something that came true. But it wasn't good news.

Police say Star Randel-Hanson, 49, stabbed his housemate Derick Marney, 70, and left him for dead.

Ten days later, the man visited tarot card reader Jayne Braiden for a reading. What she saw was terrifying.

When Braiden turned over the death card, Randel-Hanson allegedly confessed to the murder of his friend.

Here's how it went down, according to Mirror:

Ms Braiden told the court: "The first card was the 'blasted tower'. That means lots of arguments, lots of bad feelings.

"Then there was 'the emperor', which signified a dominant male. Then there was the 'death card'."

She said she told Randel-Hanson she could "see that something really bad has happened and that we need to discuss this further."

"He said: 'It's really bad'."

"I said to him we need to talk about everything that has happened.

"And that is when he told me... he said that he had killed him."

After he confessed, Braiden phoned police—but it took them over 55 minutes to arrive. The two talked about other subjects and joked around until police showed up to arrest Randel-Hanson.

He told police that he accidentally stabbed Marney when he turned around quickly with a knife in his hands.

What do the cards have to say?

UPDATE: The robbers have been arrested! Guess everyone should just wear a GoPro, kind of like Russia with all their dash cams.

A demonstration of a recent study has shown that people can be identified from the reflection of they human eye's pupil in photographs. The study showed that individuals could be identified correctly 71 percent of the time by those unfamiliar with the faces. For those familiar with the faces, the individuals could be identified correctly 84 percent of the time. The study was conducted by Dr. Rob Jenkins of the University of York and by Christie Kerr of the University of Glasgow.