fish

As society plummets ever deeper into the pit of despair, from which there is no chance of returning, a beacon of light shines in the distance.

There, at the bottom of the pit, lay the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar.

For the those unfamiliar, as undoubtedly many of you are, the Carponizer Carp Calendar is an erotic calendar that features models wearing nothing but a carp. Think of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue if all the women were holding a giant carp. Sexy.

The Toronto Sun reports, "The weird calendar was the brainchild of Hendrik Pohler and it’s getting a five-star rating on Amazon." 

They're not lying. But the Amazon description is the real money. According to Amazon, the calendar is “one of the most extraordinary ideas of how this magnificent fish can be presented in an appealing setting,” managing to “courageously” make each month a little better. It boasts 12 “magnificent” caprs to create 12 “formidable and unmissable images.”

via Amazon

“Whether for yourself or as a tasteful gift: the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar will not only make men's hearts beat faster.” (The sentence just ends like that so we’ll never know what else this calendar does in addition to making men’s hearts beat faster). “

Wow. Nothing says tasteful gift, like calling your sexy fish and bikini girl calendar tasteful in the description.

This is pure peak 2016.

via Amazon

Looks like that box of fish sticks in the back of your freezer is going to stay there.

Space World, a Japanese theme park, shutdown their ice skating rink attraction on Sunday, because as it turns out, most people don’t consider skating around dead fish to be a winter wonderland. The theme park froze 5,000 sea creatures into the floor of their skating rink, thinking that attendees would enjoy the challenge of navigating an ocean graveyard. Space World called it “Freezing Port.” We call it “A Nightmare.” 

Freezing Port received a slew of complaints from visitors and animal rights organizations. One Facebook user said, “You have no soul.” While another simply, and more practically, said, “This is the worst attraction educationally.” Apparently, only a select few found Space World's Facebook advertisements with captions that read “I am d... d... drowning, s ... s... suffocating” funny and not horrifying.

Japanese skating rink with 5,000 dead fish frozen into ice forced to close after animal rights outrage (pic via @SpaceWorld_info) pic.twitter.com/etWQZAE3VT

— CCTVNEWS (@cctvnews) November 28, 2016

“We were shocked to hear the reaction as the ice skate rink was very popular since it opened two weeks ago,” Space World manager Toshimi Takeda told to CNN. “We had an unprecedented number of visitors.”

“We are sorry for the project and decided to close the rink.”

CNN added the park will “unfreeze the skate rink to remove the fish, hold an ‘appropriate religious service,’ and then reuse them as fertilizer.” Cool.

So there you have it. Theme park buys locally-sourced seafood, freezes it into their skating rink, and holds memorial service for the fish after learned that people don’t like ice skating on dead fish. Welcome to Monday morning on Planet Earth.

via GIPHY

Why are celebrities like Miriam Margolyes or Emma Thompson and her husband Greg Wise posing naked with dead fish? To save the fish, of course! Well... not the ones in the pictures obviously but some of their relatives. 



This isn't really a new practice. It's part of a non-profit called Fish Love which is aimed at raising awareness of unsustainable fishing practices. Their goal is to teach people how to choose more sustainable fish to eat. Fish Love has been around since 2009 and has photographed many other celebrities in the past like Gillian Anderson and Helena Bonham Carter. 

The newly discovered spider called the dolomedes briangreenei hails from, you guessed it, Australia.  One of it's species, whose name is Brian, was presented at the World Science Festival in Brisbane. 

He was named after Professor Brian Greene, cofounder of the World Science Festival and a string theorist. 



Brian (the spider, not the string theorist) uses vibrations in the water to fish. Robert Raven, Principal Scientist of Arachnology at the Queensland Museum told Mashable:

These spiders sit there on the water and then all of a sudden an insect will hit the water and the spider races out to get it, grabs it, dives under the water and then swims back to the shore and starts eating it. 

It eats insects, fish and toads up to three times it's own size. Apparently its bites aren't that dangerous but the fact remains; now even the water is not safe from spiders. 

Zoe Jackson must have thought she really found someone special on the dating website Plenty of Fish. That's why when he broke up with her she got revenge by leaving a bunch of dead mackeral in her boyfriend of three months, Gerard Brogan's hot tub.  He discovered it days later but caught the culprit by reviewing CCTV footage. 



He found Jackson (pictured above) on camera acting fishy with a large trashbag near his hot tub at night.  She has been ordered to pay for the repair of the hot tub and we can only guess that Brogan will stay away from online dating for a while. 

This stingray goes beast-rapid-freaking-fire mode, on the whole birthing process. Who'd have thought an unsuspecting fisherman could make such a great, entirely spontaneous midwife?

Let's just count our blessings that the f-bomb dropping, Bostonian madman fisherman wasn't around. He's still trying to get over that whole Ocean Sunfish business..

What has three eyes and swims in the water?

This catfish.

Video has emerged showing a three-eyed catfish that was caught in the notoriously polluted Gowanus Canal in Brooklyn.

Greg Hunter, who shot the video, told WABC that people started crowding around a man who caught the catfish from a bridge.

"It was a crazy scene," he said.

Blinky?

"It's Moby dck!"

Michael Bergin had himself an aquatic adventure the likes of which the rest of us can only dream of having.

Well, at least he acted like it. The very excitable Bostonian (actually his Facebook profile says he's from Malden, MA, which is just outside Boston) landed the fish of his dreams and goes fckin' insane during the whole f*ckin' adventure.

And you lucky bastard get to see the whole f*ckin' start of the f*ckin' thing right here, bro:



This glorious man guesses that it's everything from a baby whale to a tuna.

We're almost positive it's an ocean sunfish, which do indeed swim in the Atlantic. A few of the Facebook commenters agreed with us.

There may no longer be plenty of fish in the sea.

A new study from the World Wildlife Fund arrived Sept. 16 to give you that particular sinking feeling that can only be found in the apocalyptic state towards which the world is slowly deteriorating.

The study, which has yet to be peer-reviewed, found that marine life has declined by half, half, since 1970.

Analysis by the Zoological Society of London (ZSL) of the population trends of marine species as presented in WWF's Living Blue Planet Report - an updated study of marine mammals, birds, reptiles and fish - shows a decline of 49 per cent in the size of marine populations between 1970 and 2012. As well as being disastrous for ecosystems, these findings spell trouble for all nations, especially people in the developing world who depend heavily on the ocean's resources.

The findings are based on the Living Planet Index, a database maintained and analysed by researchers at ZSL. Following alarming statistics raised in the Living Planet Report 2014, revealing huge declines in vertebrate populations around the world, this special report studies how overfishing, damage to habitat and climate change are affecting marine biodiversity.

The analysis tracked 5,829 populations of 1,234 species, from sea birds to sharks to leatherback turtles, making the data sets almost twice as large as past studies.

With fun subheadings like "Global food supply depleted" and "Devastating figures", the study credits climate change with causing the crazy decline.

NEW report: Marine populations have declined nearly 50% since 1970 #BluePanda http://t.co/AOMelped4J pic.twitter.com/MsMu381MaZ

— WWF (@WWF) September 16, 2015

Luckily, our national leaders are all firmly committed to reversing carbon emissions and slowing the steady pace of man-made climate change.

I've got to go lie down.

Note to self: Don’t go swimming in Brazil.

Joao Antonio Cruz Junior recently uploaded a video to YouTube of him feeding some piranhas in a river.

It looks pretty calm until he tosses in a hunk of meat, and then all hell breaks loose.

Watch as these water demons tear their food to shreds, and then never go anywhere near this place ever because they will ruthlessly kill you and gnaw on your bones.

A copper rockfish at the Vancouver Aquarium developed cataracts in his eye and had to have it removed. The sad little one-eyed guy then retreated to the bottom of the tank and was constantly picked on by his tankmates.

To help save him from the abuse, head veterinarian Dr. Martin Haulena recently performed surgery to give him a prosthetic replacement.

"Without an eye, the other fishes would act aggressively towards it for appearing sick and weak," the aquarium wrote on its blog.

They put the fish under anesthesia before the procedure, seen above.

After the surgery he seemed to fit right back in with the others.

"Ever since we put in the prosthetic the fish is right back in the mid-water column, interacting with other fish," Haulena told Global News. "He's more robust. Everybody, including the fish, seem a lot happier now."

You've probably heard of anglerfish before, otherwise known as "nightmare fuel of the sea."

The females, which have fangs and long rods attached to their heads with light orbs, were featured in this scene from "Finding Nemo."

It's very rare for anglerfish to be seen in their natural habitat, and one species in particular, the black seadevil (also called Melanocetus) has been even more elusive… until now.

Scientists with the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute have captured what they are claiming is the first ever video footage of a black seadevil 2000 feet below the surface of the ocean.

For an example of how disgusting these things are, this is how they mate:

He bites her gelatinous flesh, living as a parasite and never letting go. Their tissues and blood systems fuse with the females'. Her body feeds him food and oxygen and provides the necessary hormones to survive.

Awwww… cute!