If you live in the United States, you have a new president. The people have spoken, and they said that billionaire, reality TV-show host Donald Trump is how they want to ride out the next four years.
Look, this was a divisive election, and a very close one at that. As has been said many times, this wasn’t necessarily the time for a protest vote for, say, Jill Stein or Gary Johnson, but that doesn’t mean the Internet can’t find another third-party spoiler to bring America to its logical conclusion and elect a billionaire, reality TV-show host.
The Internet, because its nothing if not predictable, chose a new candidate: Dead-gorilla turned confusing-meme, Harambe. That’s right, the gorilla who was shot dead after a child fell into his pen at the zoo received 11,000 votes in last night’s election. And that’s how game-show hosts are elected president, when people write in memes to be president.
So there you have it, folks. Reality TV-show host is president, and I am now this Tweet:
<iframe src="//giphy.com/embed/zebOFPFcgRdG8" width="480" height="270" frameBorder="0" class="giphy-embed" allowFullScreen></iframe><p><a href="http://giphy.com/gifs/maury-zebOFPFcgRdG8">via GIPHY</a></p>
Is there a more time-honored American tradition than the Mannequin Challenge? Probably not. When our forefathers came forth to this great country and beheld its many spoils, they knew that this land was made for you and me to stand still for a short period of time and pretend we were statues.
Lots of celebrities have been getting in on the Mannequin Challenge the past few days. There was even a Destiny’s Child reunion thanks to it. But there’s one entry that really packed a punch. Aboard her campaign plane (cam-plane?), presidential nominee Hillary Clinton and her staff, which includes former President Bill Clinton and hard-rocker Jon Bon Jovi, delivered a Mannequin Challenge as a last-minute bid for the presidency in this 57-second clip. The message is clear: “Don’t stand still. Vote today.” It’s just as our forefathers intended.
Following a delightful song and dance number between Late Show-host Stephen Colbert and an innocent ragamuffin, the Mayor of Candytown himself, Jon Stewart, dropped in to offer the audience some “toffee from an old man’s pants.” But upon learning that Donald Trump is running for president, Stewart, who’s a little out of the loop these days, gave his patented spit-take salute in surprise. Time to get back to work… after a little Yentil, for which there is always time.
Hamilton's Javier Muñoz, an astronaut, a crossing guard, and, of course, an adorable orphan joined other classic symbols of Americana, Colbert, and Stewart on stage to remind the audience to get out and vote. Make this old man’s wish come true, America.
And now, what we’ve all been waiting for, gifs of people doing spit takes!
The election ends tomorrow, which means that late night TV is about to get a whole lot more boring (unless of course you're really in watching Channing Tatum play Twister — in which case, it’s about to become a whole lot more exciting). But that doesn’t mean we can’t have one final, hardy guffaw at the moments that defined these truly terrible and awful eight months.
Saturday Night Live closed out the election season with an awe-inspiring final debate between Kate McKinnon's Hillary Clinton and Alec Baldwin's Donald Trump, but what of the other great moments of this election cycle, the sketches and segments that kept up sane this past year?
From Jon Oliver’s blistering new nickname for Donald Trump to SNL's instant-classic “Black Jeopardy,” Wired has catalogued the best late night TV comedy of the year. Fall in love all over again with Jon Stewart popping in on Colbert and Jimmy Fallon tussling Donald Trump’s hair. We won’t believe it happened when it’s over, so revel in it all today. Check out Wired’s timeline of the sketches that defined the election here.
And to that we say, so long, Election 2016, you brought out the worst in all of us, and we’re happy to see you go.
It’s the last Friday before the election, and things are getting crazy. Could they get crazier? Sure. We’d all love that.
Well, Julian Assange is here to stir the cauldron if you will with a little “Spirit Cooking.” What is “Spirit Cooking,” you ask? CNET has a really handy explainer:
“The top trend on Twitter on Friday morning comes from an alleged WikiLeaks email of Clinton campaign chairman John Podesta discussing spirit cooking. WikiLeaks tweeted that it involves "blood, sperm and breastmilk." Spirit cooking refers to performance artist Marina Abramovic's "cookbook" of recipes to cook up thoughts -- not meals. However, some on Twitter are taking it to the extreme and accusing the former secretary of state of devil worship. "This is not the first or last time that WikiLeaks has tweeted propaganda while doing Putin's bidding," a Clinton campaign representative wrote in an email. CNET cannot independently verify the information in the alleged email, and it is be entirely possible that someone altered the email before it was publicly released.”
Here's the tweet:
Here's the gif:
Ok. So, I guess, Hillary Clinton and her team are a bunch of witches now. If she is a witch, please, Hillary, make me a potion that will make me sleep for 1,000 years or, at least, the next week.
What does it take to get you to vote? Is it civic duty? A profound belief in a candidate? Fear of another candidate?
For almost half the American population, none of these things matter because they don’t vote. In fact, only about 56 percent of Americans voted in 2008. There are no numbers on this, but it’s entirely reasonable to think that maybe more people say “Thanks, Obama” than voted for him.
So what does it take? Money? Would you like money out of a candidate's pocket? Well, that’s not gonna happen, buddy! This is America! We don’t pay for votes here, so take it some place else.
But what about those celebrity videos? Can Stanley Tucci get you to vote?
Sorry, Tucc. No. Celebrity videos where they guilt you into voting don’t work because they depend on the old theory of “rational self-interest,” i.e. the idea that people will vote based on heavily-reinforced social norms. People don’t operate based on “rational self interest,” do they? People say that they’re going to vote but, in many cases, don’t actually do it.
Over on YouTube, The Nerdwriter found something that just might work: shame. That’s right, if shamed into it, people will vote. He offers some different methods for implementing the age-old practice of shame, like a thing on Facebook that says “I Voted” or, the Scarlett Letter of the digital age, “I Didn’t Vote.”
Check out the video for some more facts about voter turnout. You will sound so smart next time the topic comes up if you do.
Like a 60-year-old man who forgot his Hotmail password, the FBI is once again trying to get into Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton's email server, reopening its investigation. This time, however, there's a new player on the field, world's worst sexter, Anthony Weiner. That's right, the man who can't figure out a DM has found has found himself at the heart of another high-profile tech scandal.
After the FBI seized electronics belonging to Clinton-aide and Weiner's wife, Huma Abedin, new emails regarding the investigation were uncovered.
The New York Times reports: "The F.B.I. told Congress that it had uncovered new emails related to the closed investigation into whether Mrs. Clinton or her aides had mishandled classified information, potentially reigniting an issue that has weighed on the presidential campaign and offering a lifeline to Donald J. Trump less than two weeks before the election.
In a letter to Congress, the F.B.I. director, James B. Comey, said that emails had surfaced in an unrelated case, and that they 'appear to be pertinent to the investigation.'"
Here are some highlights from this week in politics:
Hillary Clinton, long-time politician and food-eater, is enlisting chefs to create foods in her honor for a campaign called "Chefs for Hillary."
With current suggestions like, "Patriotic Penne Pie" and "Stars and Stripes Sugar Cookies," we think people can be a little more creative. How about we whip her up some "Criminal Justice Reform Meatloaf, "Labor and Workers' Rights Baked Potatoes," or "Small Business Tacos."
Bring em on, America.
Utah Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox, touched by the Orlando Massacre, was prompted to apologize for his past homophobia. In a poignant vigil in Salt Lake City on Monday he honored the victims and survivors, acknowledging his lacking in the past.
We still have a long way to go, but moments like this give me more faith in politicians.
Getting in on the political season, Cards Against Humanity has launched a campaign to get your vote. Watch here to participate, and all proceeds go toward... hrm, well, just pay attention:
Fundraising emails from Hillary Clinton are apparently getting real desperate. The insistent wording from an email asking for money inspired the hashtag #ImNotKiddingMaddi and the memes that came from it. Guys, Hillary Clinton is not fooling around, she needs your dollar RIGHT THIS SECOND.
The typical reaction to an extremist militant group regurgitating your words to attract potential recruits, would generally encompass flipping the fu*k out.
Trump can't be phased. The Republican primary candidate merely brushed off the use of his words against Muslims by an Al-Qaeda affiliate, known as Al-Shabaab, as casually as he would tend to that fluffy golden Photoshop-airbrushed, hair-cloud on a lazy Sunday.
He launched predictably fiery jab, by guessing that all 'extremists' are prone to employing the words of any Republican presidential front-runner.
Al-Shabbab, not ISIS, just made a video on me - they all will as front-runner & if I speak out against them, which I must. Hillary lied!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 3, 2016
To wrap it all up, Trump addressed Hilary Clinton's recent unfounded allegation that an additional extremist group, the Islamic State, was using Trump as a pillar of its propaganda. He says the appearance of this Al-Shabaab video doesn't do way with the fact Clinton was wrong.
"It wasn't ISIS and it wasn't made at the time, and she lied," he said on Fox & Friends on Sunday.
Trump also dished out a little hurt on 'Slick Willy' afterwards.
Hillary Clinton lied last week when she said ISIS made a D.T. video. The video that ISIS made was about her husband being a degenerate.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 3, 2016
It's a war of the words here folks, and we're not sure yet whether Donald Trump is the alien race hellbent on intergalactic domination; or if he's just Tom Cruise trying to conquer another impossible mission.
The latest installment in the 'Say What Now?! Trump' series that inevitably sets the media ablaze in fiery fits of outrage centers on a limited edition, entirely provocative, mindless tweet from Donald Trump.
Hillary Clinton has announced that she is letting her husband out to campaign but HE'S DEMONSTRATED A PENCHANT FOR SEXISM, so inappropriate!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 27, 2015