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14 Spicy Headlines From 'The Onion' That Just Speak To Us

We love The Onion because it never fails to relate to us all with its spicy takes.

And just in case you live under a rock, or were planning to show this to your innocent grandma, we gotta give the disclaimer that The Onion is a satirical publication.

funny the onion headlines
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17 Times Utter Nincompoops Believed The Onion

People really need to start checking their sources. Specifically if that source is a well known satirical website.

people taking the onion seriously
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19 Crazed and Depraved People That'll Kill Your Faith In Humanity

...Or just make you feel a whole lot better about the shittiest day you've ever had in your life. 

faith in humanity destroyed
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12 of the Most Inspired Reasons People Gave for Deleting Their Uber Accounts

Uber is steadily paddling through a rocky PR shitstorm. Over the weekend, following news of the Muslim Travel Ban issued by the Trump administration, thousands of angry citizens turned up at JFK airport in NY to stage an open protest. The NY Taxi Workers Alliance additionally called for an hour-long halt in services to further protest the ban. 

And that's right about where Uber issued a tweet saying they'd halt surge prices, and continue providing rides to and fro the airport. Some folks took this as an insensitive ploy to swoop in and capitalize on profits otherwise being willingly forfeited by taxi workers, eager to put on a display of outrage and unrest over the Muslim Travel Ban. Hundreds, if not thousands of people went on to delete the Uber app from their phones, and these are some of the more colorful reasons for why:

reasons people deleted their uber account
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11 of our Favorite Twitter Reactions to Amazon Owning Whole Foods

The Amazon roasting here was only inevitable. Would you like a side of royally-priced grapes with your Kindle today?

A collection of our favorite reactions on Twitter to the news that Amazon now owns Whole Foods.
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Twitter's Horrified After Amazon's Announcement About Delivery Drivers Being Allowed Into Your Home

The new service will work alongside Amazon's Cloud Cam and a 'smart lock' to allow for vetted Amazon delivery drivers entry into Prime customers' homes that aren't around. Naturally, the 'revolutionary' service was met with a tidal wave of apprehension from people that aren't totally down with "thoroughly vetted" strangers being inside their damn homes while they're away...

People are scared after Amazon's announcement about delivery drivers being allowed into people's home.
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Police Start Using Spiderman Lasso Instead of Tasers

It looks like Spidermanwas onto something. Police in the US have started using mechanical lassos (but not made from spiderweb) in place of tasers, which caused 49 deaths in America last year. This could potentially be the end of tasers.

new spiderman lasso device could be the end of tasers
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Scientists Want To Build a 'Space Elevator' To the Moon

In the past few decades, technology has allowed us to live a reality that seemed like magic not so long ago. Talking to people on the other side of the planet? Easy. Flying in the air? Done. Man on the moon? Pfft. We did that in the sixties. Since science is getting more confident, and maybe a little egotistical, scientists have thought up a new scheme that sounds quite fantastical to us (although I guess that's what people thought before the internet existed). Scientists want to build an elevator that goes to the moon. Who knows, at the rate of technological advancement today, maybe it isn't so crazy. Lets wait a few years and see what happens. 

scientists want to build a space elevator to the moon
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Compasses Will Point True North For First Time in 360 Years

I have some news for you: your compass is not actually pointing to true north, and hasn't been for 360 years. But that will change sometime in the next two weeks, when the magnetic field moves to point all compasses in Greenwich towards true north. 

the magnetic field is about to move so greenwich compasses point true north for first time in 360 years
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