stephen colbert

As we’ve heard over the past few days, that billionaire reality TV game show host who won the presidency last month, Donald Trump, will soon bring us to complete dystopia: He can mass text all of America at once.

When your dad learns how to make a group message with you and your siblings pic.twitter.com/nD4A1zf1P4

— Areana (@areanaa_g) October 17, 2015

via @areanaa_g

Through the FCC’s Wireless Emergency Alerts, Trump can text all of America at the same time, probably to schedule New Year’s Eve plans that take a month to coordinate but go no where. The system is devised for emergencies, according to New York Magazine, but as we know, Trump is very trigger happy when it comes to his phone. We all look forward to seeing 300 million messages all reading “How do I get out of this group text” and “New phone who dis?”

Luckily, Stephen Colbert is already on it over at The Late Show, delivering a hilarious monologue about the president elect’s new found phone privileges. Check it out.

It’s been a long night for the United States, and at the end of it, we had a new president. Stephen Colbert had a long night as well. Wrapping up his Election Special for Showtime, Colbert was learning election results in real time, guiding his audience through this transition and delivering some solace.

Colbert has long been one of the most biting satirists of the Republican party, but in these final ten minutes of his show, he offered some words of wisdom that we could all rally behind. He sends out a call for unity that the country needs in these divisive times, reminding us that maybe we all “drank a little too much of the poison” that is politics. Then he took a great big sip whiskey and relayed the things that bring us together, like hating veggie pizza and our love for whoever gets up for seconds first at a wedding buffet.

“In the face of something that might strike you as horrible, I think laughter is the best medicine,” said Colbert. “You cannot laugh and be afraid at the same time, and the devil cannot stand mockery."

It’s a somber speech, but one that's worth watching.

Following a delightful song and dance number between Late Show-host Stephen Colbert and an innocent ragamuffin, the mayor of Candytown himself, Jon Stewart, dropped in to offer the audience some “toffee from an old man’s pants.” But upon learning that Donald Trump is running for president, Stewart, who’s a little out of the loop these days, gave his patented spit-take salute in surprise. Time to get back to work… after a little Yentl, for which there is always time.

Hamilton's Javier Muñoz, an astronaut, a crossing guard, and, of course, an adorable orphan joined other classic symbols of Americana, Colbert, and Stewart on stage to remind the audience to get out and vote. Make this old man’s wish come true, America. 

And now, what we’ve all been waiting for, gifs of people doing spit takes!

via GIPHY

via GIPHY

via Wiffle Gif

via GIPHY

via Reddit

Facebook, a never-ending source of useful information, has been our goto for up-to-the-minute election coverage this past season. As such, it’s probably caused us more anxiety about this election than any one speech, Wikileaks email, or video featuring Billy Bush. Your Facebook wall feeds into your worst fears about the candidates, and Stephen Colbert knows it.

On The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, Colbert took a big swig of cough syrup, dusted off his box of Reynolds wrap, and made a new tin foil hat to block the radio signals that the Illuminati uses to read our minds. Colbert is full of great intel about such things as the whereabouts of Chumbawumba, the shadowy industry of upstate New York weddings, and what oysters actually are. By the end of it, you’ll have your cork board up and long strands of yarn connecting seemingly disparate items together to prove your theory that, hey, what if the Chicken McNugget is more nugget than chicken?

Check out the video and prepare to have your mind blown.

Stephen Colbert Hijacks Mic at RNC: "Let the hungry for power games begin"

In all honesty the Star Wars reference and mustache were on point. Anyone else on board for voting Colbert in for a crucial cameo role?

Don't forget to check out the most recent GoPro footage to surface, which provides an all too close and personal full 15 minutes of on-the-ground action. The mission, 'Cisne Negro' or Black Swan, already possesses all the dark and dramatic appeal any modern day, crime-addled thriller needs to make a splash on the big screen.

Look, Tom Hanks doesn't really need to work these days.

He's done plenty in the last 30 years to bring America charm and delight in a big, friendly package.
Even though it it looks like he's got some movies coming down the pike he hasn't acted in one since 2013's Saving Mr. Banks.

So, he's got time on his hands.

This was evidenced by his unexpected appearance answering questions all over Reddit earlier this week.

Well, apparently, he had some more questions that he wanted answers.

Stephen Colbert is in a different, though still not less-inquisitive, boat.

After months of build up, his show is finally chugging along at a steady clip and he's probably starting to get into the routine of the whole affair.

Focused so intently on the goal, once its accomplished, he's probably feeling a jet lag of emotions rushing at him, calling into question where he is and what he's doing.

So the two decided to lay back on a blanket and ask those questions to themselves.

It's very funny.