The Amazon roasting here was only inevitable. Would you like a side of royally-priced grapes with your Kindle today?
Pastor Jordan D Brown claimed to have gotten this awful cake from Whole Foods. He shared a picture of the cake with the statement:
That’s not the cake I ordered, @WholeFoodsand I am offended for myself & the entire #LGBT community
He also got a lawyer, and filmed this "unboxing" video as proof that the cake had not been tampered with.
Whole Foods, a notably progressive grocery store chain, has countered with a thorough investigation. They are now suing the pastor in regard to his claim, which they believe to be false. According to Uproxx, Whole Foods issued this statement:
After a deeper investigation of Mr. Brown’s claim, we believe his accusations are fraudulent and we intend to take legal action against both Mr. Brown and his attorney.
We stand behind our bakery team member, who is part of the LGBTQ community, and we appreciate the team members and shoppers who recognize that this claim is completely false and directly contradicts Whole Foods Market’s inclusive culture, which celebrates diversity.
Whole Foods also released a video showing Brown and the cashier while the cake was being purchased where neither one seemed to notice the odd wording on the cake.
FINALLY, you might be able to grab some organic kale and get a tattoo of it right there at the store. It's such a pain to have to carry it all the way to a separate tattoo parlor.
According to USA Today, Whole Foods is launching a "Millennial-focused" branch of stores called Whole Foods 365. The plan is to attract a younger crowd by lowering prices and inviting other businesses into the stores to offer more than just groceries.
What kind of other services will they have? Maybe a bicycle repair shop, a record shop, a craft brewery or even a tattoo parlor. These are merely some of the stereotypical "Millennial" things they have suggested or implied on the website asking established and start-up independent businesses to partner with Whole Foods.
The stores begin opening in May with plans to open 10 by October 2017.
What began as an innocent bit of Instagram belligerence over asparagus water, turned into Internet gold this week.
Marielle Wakim, an associate editor at Los Angeles magazine, uploaded the picture to social media with this comment: "Somewhere in L.A., Whole Foods executives are laughing at all of us."
Of course, the Internet tore it apart. Like it do.
for $5.99, that asparagus water from Whole Foods better be straight from God's tears— Omar Munoz (@rvinman_) August 3, 2015
White people got some real nerve throwing some reject asparagus in tap water and trying to charge me a pack of cigarettes for them.— kid (@MamboNoir) August 3, 2015
asparagus water: for the times u want ur pee to stink but dont want to go the trouble of chewing— (❍ᴥ❍ʋ) | (• ◡•)| (@puretoria) August 3, 2015
"Asparagus water" just sounds like another name for pee— Silvia Killingsworth (@silviakillings) August 5, 2015
Only a day later, Whole Foods decided to pull the absurd product.
Whole Foods Market Senior Media Relations Specialist Liz Burkhart said "It was meant to be water with the essence of vegetables and/or mushrooms (similar to bone broth), which is typically made over a long period of time soaking in water. It was made incorrectly and has since been removed."
Of course, Gawker thought it was the American Dream.
Exploiting the poor has and will always be categorically wrong, but ripping off the rich and dumb—for whom uncooked asparagus is put in water bottles—is the American dream. Just like one cannot step in the same river twice or kick a dream, it's impossible to "exploit" the rich; they are the ones who exploit. They can, though, be ripped off and fleeced, and should be, as much as is possible and legal. Six dollar Whole Foods asparagus water is one such legal means of taking money away from people who have six dollars to spend on Whole Foods asparagus water and moving it somewhere else in the economy.