florida

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A Florida man was found biting off pieces of a man's face in Martin County, Florida. Apparently, he fatally stabbed a couple before biting off their faces, as you do normally in social situations if you live in Florida.

The explanations seem pretty reasonable to me...



...but there's always this one:




Florida: my favorite state for crazy f*ckers.


Via CNN
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In case you didn't know, a group of stingrays is called a fever! They swim in large groups like this when they're migrating. Want to know more? This video from CNN thoroughly explains.

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The video spotlights people and recognizable places from around Orlando, and urges folks from Orlando to dance/donate to OneOrlandoFund

"For our city, for unity, for pride and for our fallen friends who were lost while doing what they loved," Keep Dancing Orlando wrote on their Facebook page

Via Golf.com
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This monster was spotted lazily strolling around at the Buffalo Creek Golf Course in Palmetto, Florida. A pro shop worker for the golf course, Wendy Schofield, told 3 News that he's been there for a while. She said, "He doesn't bother anybody and they don't bother him, he's like a mascot for the course, which is owned by Manatee County."

So it's fine that basically a dinosaur is roaming around the golf course. Let's just hope that someone doesn't get eaten trying to take a selfie with him now that his existence has gone viral. 

Via PIAOB TV
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This 'Cool Mom', in Florida of course, arranged for a stripper to be the entertainment for her son's 8th birthday party. That's right, the child was turning 8-years old, and she got him a stripper.



In the long run, it's debatable which would be more damaging later in life, a stripper or a clown at your birthday party. My money would be on the stripper (literally) though.

cuba usa raft A Florida Mayor Plans to Go to Cuba on a Homemade Raft
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Florida mayor Clint Johnson was inspired by the struggle of Cuban immigrants who travel to Florida by raft and decided to try it himself. He told The Guardian, "My plan is to go down [to Cuba] and build a raft and come back to Florida on it."

His trip has gotten some support for the attention it's bringing to the danger that Cuban immigrants face. 


via @ClintPJohnson

And he's managed to build a test raft and get it to float. 


via @AustinFullerNJ

But it seems like he's having some issues with the boat, although it seems to be floating safely so far. 

According to Mashable, the trip from Cuba to Florida could take anywhere from two days to a whole week depending on the circumstances. 
florida doctor A Florida Teen Opened a Clinic and Tried to Bluff His Way Into a Medical Career
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As it turns out, you need a substantial amount of schooling to become a medical doctor. 18-year-old Florida teen Malachi Love-Robinson has been arrested for trying to skirt around that fact by simply impersonating one. According to the Charlotte Observer, this case is connected to a mysterious teen wandering the halls of a West Palm Beach hospital dressed as a doctor one year ago. 

This time it seems that he opened his own clinic. He went under the name Dr. Malachi A. Love-Robinson PhD, HHP-C, AMP-C according to his profile on the website for his clinic the New Birth New Life Medical Center and Urgent Care LLC. 

For those of you unfamiliar with medical certifications, HHP-C and AMP-C mean... nothing. But they do help him sound important! 

The website for the clinic he allegedly started is still active. It even has a picture of the doctors who work there that are definitely real people and not at all people dressed as doctors in a stock photo. 


via nbnlmedicalcenter

Love-Robinson is charged with practicing medicine without a license and is being held on $6,000 bail at the Palm Beach County Jail. 

Via Playful
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In October, Josh James of Jupiter, FL threw a three and a half foot alligator into the drive through window of a local Wendey's restaurant. The authorities finally caught up with him and he has been arrested because apparently you're not allowed to go around town slinging large, dangerous reptiles at people.

Why would someone throw a three and a half foot alligator into a fast food restaurant? His mother told WPTV, "He's a prankster.  He does stuff like this because he thinks it's funny". 

news-powerball-anonymous-after-winnings-chances
Via News13
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Power changes people man, but what about $1.5 billion? After another dry weekend the potential Powerball winnings (if anyone actually wins this thing) surpassed the billion dollar milestone. Like, holy sh*t right?


All cross the world, wide-eyed folks young and old daydream, drool, and converse at length on what they'd spend that bag of gold on. Some with outlandishly ill-thought out plans like this dude, that inspired one of the better memes we've seen in a hot minute:


Then we have David Swain. The humble Floridian mechanic bloated with big dreams, who is convinced he has the 'golden ticket.' He's come out as saying he'd want to keep his winnings secret, and can you blame the guy?


Many of us can remember that rapid evolving sequence of chaotic events in 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' when he happens upon his golden ticket. People pretty much go buckwild, running around like a bunch of cracked out headless chickens, and Charlie's probably caught in some twisted limbo where he's not sure whether life's awesome, or he's about to get killed.


Well Swain inspired Flagler County attorney Michael Chiumento to draw up a solid list of recommendations for any Floridian who might become a multimillionaire after those numbers are drawn.


"If your goal is to remain anonymous, you're going to need to form a trust, partnership or corporation, in which your name is not on there," Chiumento said.


"A Powerball winner should first sign the back of the ticket, then make a few copies and put it in a safe spot," Chiumento said.


A big thanks to Chiumento, and a good luck to everyone else out there for the epic drawing on Wednesday.

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Florida what are you doing with yourself? This woman puts on quite the show. At times this almost looks like a frickin spar, and her some sort of untrained Ronda Rousey knockoff.

news-miami-crime-woman-arrested-drugs-wal-mart-chicken-wine
Via CBS Miami
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Brought to you fresh and fried out of Lecanto, Florida, The Citrus County Sheriff's Office arrested a woman on shoplifting and drug paraphernalia charges. She was apprehended amidst a shopping cart fueled joyride out of hell.

The woman's been identified as Josseleen Elida Lopez, 25. Lopez was held after scarfing down $32.36 worth of food and wine. She told the authorities she's homeless.

If you're going to hit rock bottom, at least eat some chicken, and wash it down with some wine right? In all seriousness we wish Lopez the best on her road to recovery. Deputies disclosed to the press that they found two empty syringes after arresting Lopez, which she claims she used to inject crystal meth.

thousands of coffee cans wash ashore florida
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Somewhere out there, a barge is missing some very important cargo.

This morning, thousands of cans of Cafe Bustelo coffee washed up on shore in Indiatlantic, Florida. If you happen to live near by, you may want to jump in your car and join other residents in looting beaches for cans and cases of precious, precious caffeine. The coffee suffered a long and tumultous journey on the open ocean after it likely fell off a cargo ship headed for Puerto Rico, but the goods inside are reported to still be sealed and dry.


Look at those poor cans; they're suffering! Take them home.
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Alas, poor unidentified person. We never knew you well.

Local Florida news station WPBF reported on a homeless man who had a very unconventional way to uncover a dead body.

Nick Pecoraro works at a strip mall in Sebastian, Florida. One day he saw a homeless man walking around the parking lot, using a skull like a "puppet". The man was talking to it and talking to people with it. Pecoraro said he thought it was fake until he got up close.



Nope. Real.

He immediately call the police.

According to WPBF:

Indian River County Sheriff's Office spokesman Thomas Raulen said the skull was part human remains discovered in a wooded area near U.S. 1 and Roseland Road.

Raulen said the unidentified homeless man had been living in the wooded area when he stumbled upon the skeletal remains near a path. "He had put the skull on top of a trash can over there because he wanted to tell somebody to call the Sheriff's Office," insisted Raulen Tuesday.

Raulen said the man willingly led investigators to scene.

...Investigators said its too early to tell the cause of death or the gender of the victim.



Good job on continuing to give us things to write about, Florida!

US Senate candidate says he did sacrifice a goat and drink its blood.
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Florida, folks.

Libertarian candidate for the United States Senate Augustus Sol Invictus has some admissions beyond that fact that his name is not the one given to him at birth (Augustus Sol Invictus is Latin for Majestic Unconquered Son).

Speaking to the Orlando Sentinel Oct. 5, the 32-year-old lawyer admitted to some pesky rumors that had been flying around him.

You know, the usual political attack ones about sacrificing a goat to the god of the wilderness and drinking its blood.

"The only question is when are the citizens going to start fighting back?" he said in a phone interview Friday. "I don't think I'm the only person who sees a cataclysm coming, but I think I'm the only person saying it, and I think that scares people."

Sacrifice? Yes. Brutal and sadistic? Not according to Invictus.

"I did sacrifice a goat. I know that's probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans," he said. "I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness ... Yes, I drank the goat's blood."

He admits he's been investigated by the FBI, the U.S. Marshals and other law enforcement. He is confident they're still watching him, in part for a series of YouTube videos and other writings in which he discusses government. He renounced his citizenship in one paper, and in another he prophesied a great war, saying he would wander into the wilderness and return bearing revolution.

"I guess it makes me feel flattered that they think I am a threat to the stability of the system. It makes me think one man can make a difference," Invictus said.



That's kind of the tip of the iceberg if you take some time to dive into his campaign website.

The first question on his FAQ?

"Why are you using Mussolini's symbol if you're a Libertarian?"

Can't you lead with a soft ball question for yourself? Like 'Why do you want to be a US Senator?'

On top of the goat thing, he's also said that he was inspired to run for office after hiking from Florida to the Mojave Desert and renounced his US citizenship in 2013. Oh, and he has also alluded to a violent overthrow of the government. Oh, and he's probably fascist.



You can watch his candidacy announcement here. Spoiler, he doesn't mention animal sacrifice.

Crash split car in half and man survives with no life threatening injuries.
Via WFLA
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Don't ever split a cab with this guy.

Get it?????????????????

Local Florida news channel WFLA says a 20-year-old suffered 'non life-threatening' injuries when he destroyed a car in just about the most complete way possible.

Winter Haven Police say the crash happened Tuesday just before 7 p.m. when Carlos Pino, 20, was traveling westbound along Cypress Gardens Blvd. At the curve near Interlochen Blvd., police say Pino lost control of his silver 1986 Nissan 300ZX and started to slide on the wet roadways as he negotiated the curve.

Pino overcorrected losing control of the vehicle and he started to skid sideways. Ultimately, the vehicle left the roadway striking a tree with the driver's side front wheel and quarter panel. The impact of the crash caused the vehicle to split in two with the front engine compartment on one side of the tree and the vehicle's cab with Pino buckled in coming to a rest on the opposite side of the tree. There were no other vehicles involved in the crash.



I mean, just look at this nonsense.







I feel like I have life-threatening injuries just looking at these pictures.

We have a word of warning for Mr. Pino:

Don't trust anyone who calls themselves 'Mr. Glass'.

A woman plotted to kill a homeless man for giving her grandkids lice.
Via Gawker
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It's like Florida has an unending bet with itself to commit the most novel, unexpected crimes.

That seems to be this complicated case, in which one extremely protective grandmother tried to contract an ex-in law to murder a homeless man who was dating her daughter.

Also lice was involved.



According to Gawker:

Pamela Vanorsdale, 50, allegedly called her daughter's ex-husband last Thursday and asked him to "pop" the homeless man, 22-year-old Dylan Loveless, in the head and chest. Loveless had apparently been abusive to Vanorsdale's grandchildren, choking and chasing them, but when the kids came home with lice, that was the last straw.

The ex told police about her alleged attempt to hire him as a hitman, but she claimed she was "only joking." Some of the things she was only joking about allegedly included: being able to provide the prospective hitman with a gun, wanting Loveless shot "in the head and chest," being able to clean and dispose of the gun, and wanting the body dumped in South Carolina. She also "joked" that she could lure Loveless out of his homeless camp with the promise of work.




Doesn't she know that medicative shampoos exist?

As well as the police?

If some homeless person is messing with your grandkids, the police are probably the people to call.