Note to self: This will not get you more frequent flier miles.
According to NBC, a baggage handler accidentally got locked inside the cargo hold of a plane and was flown from Charlotte, NC to Washington, DC on Sunday. Hey, it beats coach! Airline food is bad! Ugh, security, can’t I keep my belt on? Ok. Got all the flying jokes out.
NBC reports that it’s still unknown as to how he got in there or how anyone found out about him, but it’s still be treating like a security issue.
And what about this? Who wouldn’t rather take the cargo hold than have an Angelica Pickles behind you?
The handler, luckily, was ok. The cabin was pressurized, and he refused medical attention upon landing. But that’s more than I can say for that antique vase that I was forced to check! Air travel is the worst! Coach! Ok. No more of airline material.
When you go to an amusement part, and you’re surrounded by thousands of sweaty strangers, what do you want? Turkey leg? Dippin’ dots? The opportunity to see those sweaty strangers half-naked and wrapped in towel.
If you answered number three. congratualations, you’ve won the opportunity to buy a ticket to Beppu City’s “Spamusement Park.”
Beppu City, Japan is home to numerous hot springs, gushing out over 130,000 tons from the ground a year. “It’s the second largest amount of hater discharge in the world, and the largest in Japan,” according to Wikipedia. And now they’re looking to one up themselves.
No, not a spa for dogs, unfortunately. According to this video, Beppu City will construct an amusement park in the city, which combines the sweaty mess of the spa with the sweaty mess of the amusement park. As Beppu City Mayor Yasuhiro Nagano, if this video reaches 1 million views, they will begin the spamusment park initiative. The video now has over 2 million.
Imagine it: A roller coaster where you sit in a hot tub of water; a tea cups ride where you actually sit in a hot cup of water; a ferris wheel where you sit in a hot tub of water. Your steam dreams are about to come true.
We’ve reached peak bacon.
Believing that everyone wants to enjoy a salty kiss, the manufacturer Accoutrements introduces Bacon Lip Balm, the only lip balm that lets your friends know that you need help.
Yes, we’ve seen bacon take the country by storm over the last few years, leading to bacon floss and air freshener. Though, few things should let your loved one know that you have a problem quite like this bacon flavored lip balm. In fact, upon kissing you, they’ll probably back up complaining that their lips burn, like you eat Tostitos without any salsa.
One can only imagine with the expression “Bacon Fresh” actually means.
Anyway, if you’re one of those people the pretends bacon or having a beard makes you an interesting person, today is your luck day. If not, please move along.
Now this is the droid we're looking for.
In a desperate attempt to somehow get even more Star Wars into the world, people are digging up some real strange versions of the George Lucas classic. Chief among them is the 1982 Turkish pseudo-remake, Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam, or The Man Who Saves the World. Now that’s a title.
Great Big Story talked to film historian Ed Glaser, who spends a lot of his time hunting down bizarre, cheap-o remakes of some of Hollywood’s biggest hits. Glaser has seen, restored, and/or attempted to re-release weird foreign rip-offs and remakes, including Nigerian Titanic, Turkish Rambo, and Egyptian Rocky Horror Picture Show.
“The holy grail of these kinds of films is Çetin İnanç's The Man Who Saves the World, better known as The Turkish Star Wars,” he says. “I’ve never really seen anything like it. It’s a little bit like a fever dream.”
Now don’t get your hopes about this one. It’s not exactly the story of Star Wars. It just cuts some of Lucas’ footage into another weird movie about a half naked man and his sword. According to The Verge, “It, ahem, borrows footage from other sci-fi flicks, as well as music scores from movies like Raiders of the Lost Ark. More importantly, however, is its inclusion on Wikipedia’s list of the worst films ever made. That’s an honor that makes us dying to get ahold of it.”
Check out the video and marvel at some of the footage. Now if only they could cut some of this footage into Episode VIII.
Tinder, the hugely successfully dating app, will soon be a party game for the whole family.
Just in time for the holidays, Tinder comes to Apple TV, which the company is hoping will make for a new Christmas tradition: Helping your sad child with their sad dating life.
In a press release, Tinder announced their excitement for making Tinder a part of family bonding time. For some reason Tinder is really invested in the idea of the family gathering around the TV and deciding who you hook up with next. In a press release, they pitch a scenario:
“No phones at the dinner table? No problem. Now you can spot Swipe Right potential from across the room. Need a second opinion before you Super Like? Good news: the cousins from Omaha just rolled in. Plus, why swipe alone when you can let Aunt Donna have a say? She’s known you since you were two; she’s watched you grow. If she says you should Swipe Right on that nice girl in the penguin costume, you Swipe Right on that nice girl in the penguin costume. Seriously man, show Aunt Donna some respect.”
They are really concerned with Aunt Donna, considering “she’s known you since you were two; she’s watched you grow.” This is very gross.
The instructions stay on brand:
Yeah, let your sister have a turn. Enjoy Tinder with your sister, Aunt Donna, and the rest of your family because that’s not weird at all.
Anyway, Tinder is coming to Apple TV with a new remote so you can blankly swipe left or right and hope that someone writes you back. Only now, your family can help you choose who you hook up with. How did we ever get by without having Tinder to gross us out?
They have a whole host of videos of the family enjoying Tinder together — again, this is such a strange ad campaign. You can check them out here, if you want to get lost in the saga that is this family using Tinder together.
Are you fluent in Emoji? Well, a London company has just the job for you.
According to the BBC, Today Translations, a language firm in London, is looking for a person to help aid in the “challenges posed by the world’s fastest-growing language.” This is going to help a lot of parents understand a lot of text messages.
This most-important of jobs would be joining the company’s “global network of over 3,000 linguists, with expertise in over 200 languages - as its first dedicated expert in this rapidly evolving form of international communication.” Think about it, this is probably the first step to getting to choose Emjoi as a language class in high school over German.
The ad continues “Emoji translation is itself an emerging field - but one dominated to date by software, which is often insensitive to the many cultural differences in usage and interpretation. We are therefore seeking an exceptional individual to provide the human touch needed where translation software is inadequate - and to help us become the go-to translation experts in this area.” You would be the first emoji translator in the world, possibly.
Do you fit these qualifications? If so, you can check out the ad today, and you might on the way to a new job.
As society plummets ever deeper into the pit of despair, from which there is no chance of returning, a beacon of light shines in the distance.
There, at the bottom of the pit, lay the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar.
For the those unfamiliar, as undoubtedly many of you are, the Carponizer Carp Calendar is an erotic calendar that features models wearing nothing but a carp. Think of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue if all the women were holding a giant carp. Sexy.
The Toronto Sun reports, "The weird calendar was the brainchild of Hendrik Pohler and it’s getting a five-star rating on Amazon."
They're not lying. But the Amazon description is the real money. According to Amazon, the calendar is “one of the most extraordinary ideas of how this magnificent fish can be presented in an appealing setting,” managing to “courageously” make each month a little better. It boasts 12 “magnificent” caprs to create 12 “formidable and unmissable images.”
“Whether for yourself or as a tasteful gift: the 2017 Carponizer Carp Calendar will not only make men's hearts beat faster.” (The sentence just ends like that so we’ll never know what else this calendar does in addition to making men’s hearts beat faster). “
Wow. Nothing says tasteful gift, like calling your sexy fish and bikini girl calendar tasteful in the description.
This is pure peak 2016.
Looks like that box of fish sticks in the back of your freezer is going to stay there.
Space World, a Japanese theme park, shutdown their ice skating rink attraction on Sunday, because as it turns out, most people don’t consider skating around dead fish to be a winter wonderland. The theme park froze 5,000 sea creatures into the floor of their skating rink, thinking that attendees would enjoy the challenge of navigating an ocean graveyard. Space World called it “Freezing Port.” We call it “A Nightmare.”
Freezing Port received a slew of complaints from visitors and animal rights organizations. One Facebook user said, “You have no soul.” While another simply, and more practically, said, “This is the worst attraction educationally.” Apparently, only a select few found Space World's Facebook advertisements with captions that read “I am d... d... drowning, s ... s... suffocating” funny and not horrifying.
“We were shocked to hear the reaction as the ice skate rink was very popular since it opened two weeks ago,” Space World manager Toshimi Takeda told to CNN. “We had an unprecedented number of visitors.”
“We are sorry for the project and decided to close the rink.”
CNN added the park will “unfreeze the skate rink to remove the fish, hold an ‘appropriate religious service,’ and then reuse them as fertilizer.” Cool.
So there you have it. Theme park buys locally-sourced seafood, freezes it into their skating rink, and holds memorial service for the fish after learned that people don’t like ice skating on dead fish. Welcome to Monday morning on Planet Earth.
They say a lot of people in this country live in an echo chamber, but one Georgia man lives in a “Bubble.”
Not an actual bubble, though. He’s not Jake Gyllenhaal in Bubble Boy. He just refuses to find out who won the presidential election.
In Brunswick, Ga, The Huffington Post reports, Joe Chandler fell asleep on election night without finding out the results, and he intends to keep it that way.
“Having subtracted myself from this political fracas and all of the mayhem of the digital media, I kind of found the center of the cyclone, it is very peaceful in my bubble of ignorance,” Chandler said.
When he goes outside, he pops on a pair of headphones and a sign that reads, “I don’t know who won, and don’t want to. PLEASE DON’T TELL ME.”
Ignorance is bliss, but Chandler doesn’t think he’s going to make it 2020, like he hopes.
“I’ll be lucky to make it [tomorrow].”
That must be nice, to be able to separate yourself from society so much that not only do you not know who the president is, but also people aren’t shouting it at you on the street. Anyway, for the rest of you, and especially Joe Chandler: Donald Trump is our next president. Welcome to reality.
In one of the strangest moments of the strangest year ever, Kanye West decided to tell a crowd of people that he didn’t vote, but if he had, it would’ve been for Trump. Kanye West also announced that he’s running for president, because, hey, if that guy can pull it off than, jeez, who’s to say Kanye can’t.
The consummate showman, West went on to tell his audience, “To black people, stop focusing on racism. We live in a racist country —that is a fact.” Classic rule in showbiz: When you’re losing your audience, double down on the thing they don’t like.
That’s when things started to get even crazier, and people started throwing things at Kanye, presumably tomatoes, like in a 1930s Popeye cartoon because that’s just more fun.
Someone threw something at Kanye that hit him, he's now threatening to cancel the show. "Am I not allowed to have an opinion?"— Raptor (@RaptorJesuss) November 18, 2016
At this point, it definitely felt like even Kanye recognized that he was losing them — honestly, it was probably all the objects being hurled in his general direction that clued him in — so he went on to make more confusing statements.
Part of the Kanye rant where he said he's going to use a different political model in 2020 when he runs. pic.twitter.com/wmc2mLlCfg— Raptor (@RaptorJesuss) November 18, 2016
All in all, I think people got what they paid for, which is a great time, listening to some great music.
This isn't the first time Kanye hasn't recieved some real-time feedback. Last year, the crowd at a Golden State Warriors booed the rapper for just being at the game. They did, however, show some love for George Lopez, so again, everything is the weirdest always.
In the ongoing war between Apple and Samsung, the battle has turned not towards more practical and useful products and services, but rather which company can impart the most damage on its users.
As has been reported, and even mocked by the president and Grand Theft Auto, Samsung has been the champion of flamable phones for the past few months. Samsung has been an innovator in how to leave their users with burns thanks to the explosive Galaxy Note 7 smartphone.
That was until the Silicon Valley stalwart Apple has had their say.
After falling asleep watching a movie on her iPhone 7, a pregnant Australian woman awoke to several “superficial” burns on her arm, leaving “an imprint of the phone and charger etched into her skin,” according to Metro.
While she’s probably relieved that the phone didn’t blowup, Melanie Tan Pelaez did claim to also “experience sudden pain, pins and needles, numbness and shortness of breath.” Genius Bar can’t fix that.
The burns, Pelaez was told, wouldn’t be covered under the warranty, as Apple “allegedly denied that the phone was to blame ‘as it didn’t have a distinct smell’ and told her the phone usually shuts down if overheating occurs.” The phone has since been sent to California for testing.
Hey, if it doesn’t smell like an Apple burn, it’s not an Apple burn. Now, let’s see Samsung build an explosion with a signature smell. Google Pixel, you smell what we're cooking?
The animals are always the first to know.
In what some are considering a bit of symbolism for our country going down the drain, two bald eagles in — you guessed it — Florida decided to hammer home that metaphor by getting stuck in a drain. With their talons feet from being washed away by the waste water below, the two eagles cried out for a help as a nation looks on in horror, powerless to do anything.
Many are probably wondering, how did those eagles get in that storm drain? What were they doing so close to that storm drain? Don’t they know that storm drains are dangerous? Don’t they know that just because a storm drain hosted a reality TV show that doesn’t make it a qualified world leader? Questions that, you know, could only be applied to a situation in which two bald eagles get stuck in a storm drain.
Luckily, authorities from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission intervened and rescued the trapped metaphor. One of the eagles was taken to Audubon Center for Birds of Prey in Maitland to treat its injuries. The other was released, presumably to search out more storm drains because no matter how perfect this metaphor is, it’s worth repeating over and over.
Hey, if you’re going to steal a cop car, why not share the experience with your friends?
Police arrested John Pinney, a Tulsa resident, who stole a cop car and streamed the joyride on Facebook Live on Monday night. Pinney's friends and followers got to join in the fun of stealing a patrol car, engaging in a high-speed police chase, and singing along to the radio without the added stress of breaking the law.
Oklahoma's News on 6 reports that Pinney simply walked up to the unlocked patrol car, opened the door, and took off.
News On 6 continues, "Tulsa police sergeant Steve Stoltz said a woman called 911 and told the dispatcher a man got into a police car near 5th and Denver, asked if she wanted a ride, then drove off when she said no."
Presumably, when this woman declined to be Pinney's audience, he turned to the officer's iPad, where he logged onto Facebook and proceeded to bring officers and followers on a 30-to-40-minute, 120-mile-per-hour car chase.
Stoltz "Liked" Pinney's approach to expediting police procedure.
"I would encourage every criminal out there to Facebook Live their crimes so that we can catch you a lot easier," said Stoltz. "Use that Facebook Live at your trial to get a better conviction."
According to News on 6, Pinney was arrested "on nine complaints, including eluding, resisting arrest, and possession of a firearm by a felon." Thanks to Facebook Live, we’ll be able to relieve these crimes over and over again.
Is your weird Uncle Herbert spending too much time at Disney recently?
It may be because a urologist at Michigan State University recently "discovered that riding a roller coaster helps patients pass kidney stones with nearly a 70 percent success rate."
As it turns out, not every roller coaster is equal for stone passage, "Big Thunder Mountain was the only one that worked. We tried Space Mountain and Aerosmith's Rock 'n' Roller Coaster and both failed."
Read more about the discovery of fun, cheaper healthcare here.
Metro Los Angeles just wants people to be safe when riding the train. These new eye-catching videos provide a warning about the gruesome fate you might meet if you don't follow the rules.