Fancy some eggs, or wanna slay like Bey for a tenner? Then check out Facebook's new Marketplace, which quickly went from innocently selling baby photoshoots, to a used car (with no brakes), to selling drugs to your Mom.
A quick look locally and we found a real gem:
Other people have found live hedgehogs and snakes...
Glad FB Marketplace is taking up prime real estate in the app with deals like this!!! pic.twitter.com/a8ugvXJHuU— Jillian D'Onfro (@jillianiles) October 3, 2016
There's also a snowsuit for your baby, I mean cat, no, I mean baby cat:
...or a passage through time:
Or some lamb:
A yurt for your bird...
...and a creepy AF clown toy:
This is already my favorite place to shop and it's only been open two days.
Remember Teddy Ruxpin, the animated talking teddy bear from the 80's? Well, he's back, and even more creepy, with fully animated digital eyes, hitting store shelves in 2017.
Though currently a prototype, they seem keen to keep the creepy eyes an integral part of the bear in the future, as they brought one out for the public at a trade show recently:
I feel like we've seen how this ends already...
Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming about punching Martin Shrekli in the face amidst the plethora of irritating news about the latest dumb thing the jackass said? Yeah, well, turns out Shkreli is feeling extra charitable these days; and in an attempt to raise money for the son of his friend Mike Kulich--the XHamster publicist who passed away--he's letting the highest bidder punch him in the face.
American Girls. Those super-expensive dolls you could buy to look creepily exactly like you, look nothing like you, or to just be cute:
She's definitely cute
We can agree--whether with our parents over how much they cost, or at our friends for not letting us rip off their heads or cut off their hair--we have all had anger toward them at some point in our lives.
Enter Betches and their definitive ranking of the American Girls by Betchiness.
We get the glory of seeing that entitled historical b*tch Samantha, finally getting put in her place.
...and seeing Josefina Montoya--pronounced "HO-SEF-INA" (I know, because I used to work there and was REQUIRED to correct people who called in to order one, fun times)--put in her damn place brings me NO END of pleasure:
Plus with randos like Caroline Abbott...
...you will feel the satisfying burn of familiar hatred sparked within the childlike center of your soul.
Don't you just hate our faces?!
Check out more of the awesomeness and pick your favorite betch here.
Oh Internet, how we loathe you sometimes.
Millions were disappointed after gullibly falling for an fake story indicating that "Harambe McHarambeface" won the naming contest for a baby gorilla at a Chinese zoo.
It all started when the crap-tacular Daily Mirror--who never checks the legitimacy of their sources--decided to pick up the story. The "source" was the fictitional "Boston Leader" news website, and the internet ran with it from there:
The truth quickly came out and hearts were broken everywhere...
...and though we might not have a Harambe McHarambeface YET, you can still show your support and buy your "McHarambeface" t-shirt here:
The 32-year-old from Adelaide driver had also made a clusterf**k of other illegal alterations to his car, because of course he had.Hopefully at least one more South Australian driver knows better than to get saucy with their car repairs, otherwise they'll get burned by the Police.
Summer's almost over, but the fun can keep going all Autumn long with this Giant Cockroach Raft!
Just think--Dad puts the cover on the pool, you sneak out and hide this baby underneath it, next summer when he goes to open the pool BAM! HEART ATTACK!!
There's also this beauty that I'd love to ride:
I'm gonna ride this heat wave as long as possible, goddammit...
Microsoft tries too hard--yet again--in their new Surface Pro 4 ad geared ENTIRELY toward Hipster Millennials. The singing narrator wears a fedora and points out all the ways a Hipster Surface user can be productive. Mostly yawn-inducing, the one highlight is the inexplicably NIGHTMARE-INDUCING "hat for your cat" visual near the beginning:
We don't know what the hell you were thinking, Microsoft, but we want to see MORE of nightmare cat.
In a pretty-much universally offensive Photoshop FAIL, Vogue Brazil decided to superimpose disabilities on their own able-bodied models in a promotion for the Paralymics instead of using ACTUAL Paralympians.
The Paralympians were okay with it...
...but we're still not. We'd rather see more barrier-breaking pics of these AMAZING athletes:
Read more about it here.
In what seems like a WIN, but--as always with Uber--is really a FAIL for humans, Uber has teamed up with financial firm Betterment to offer fee-free retirement accounts to drivers in Seattle, Boston, Chicago, and New Jersey, with options to expand to other cities soon.
Drivers can access the retirement plan from their phones, but Uber won't make any contributions to the accounts, making this "benefit" fall flat.
The accounts are free for only the first year, with fees afterwards calculated at Betterment's regular price, which they say is less than the fees typically charged by traditional financial advisers, but definitely not free. With driver's already hurting for fares...
...we all know Uber, who often works against their workers through "union busting" politics, can do better.
For about $20 at Albuquerque Italian restaurant, Paisano's, you can buy yourself some bad judgment.
The owner, Rick Camuglia, insists he wasn't trivializing the Black Lives Matter movement, but just trying to push his "tuna dish with black olive tapenade."
Understandably, Twitter erupted trying to explain where he went wrong:
...but he JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO GET IT.
The shirt and hat are still available for sale here if you don't get it either.
Victoria's Secret has gone and done it again, badly Photoshopping a random elbow behind a model and grossly thinning out another model's arm. The internet saw their flub on Insta and quickly pointed it out... yet AGAIN.
Time to remember that it's 2016 and stop slimming down tiny ladies and adding random appendages, Victoria's Secret. Tsk tsk!