Probably bad News

Spiders have already infiltrated our bananas, and now they’re souring another of our favorite fruits.

A 21-year-old woman in Vermont was recently bitten by a black widow spider after reaching into a bag of grapes she purchased at the local Shaw’s supermarket.

That’s a whole bunch of “nope” right there.

She and her mother captured the little culprit that had crawled up her arm and brought it with them to the hospital where the woman was treated and eventually released.

The creature is identifiable by a red hourglass-shape on its belly, so if you see the mark, stay away.

Here’s the supermarket’s statement about the incident, via WPTZ:

The health and safety of products we sell, and our customers, is our first concern. We have been closely monitoring the situation and been in contact with the family. We replaced product in the customer’s refrigerator as a precaution and took immediate action to inspect the product at the customer’s store. We also are inspecting the product in all of our stores and have been in touch with the supplier, which has an extensive food safety management system in place.

While their venom is poisonous, most people just experience a pin prick followed by dull muscle pain along with other possible symptoms.

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

Severe symptoms usually start to improve within 2 to 3 days, but milder symptoms may persist for several weeks. Death in a normally healthy individual is very rare. Young children, the extremely ill, and the elderly may not survive a bite.

Black widows were also found in bags of grapes in stores across several different states back in 2013.

This mast March a woman in Wales found a Brazilian Wandering Spider in her bag of bananas, which is considered the “world’s most venomous spider” by the Guinness World Records.

Other spiders have also been in the news a lot lately, particularly in Australia, where they are literally raining down from the sky as part of a phenomenon called “mass ballooning.”

Just don’t try to kill any of them, or you might end up with hundreds of even smaller spiders on your hands like this guy did.

A man named Connor Zuvich found a discarded, stuffed tiger on the side of the road in Washington, so he did what anyone would do and strapped it to the roof of his car.

“The thing looked really realistic,” Zuvich told The Columbian. “We were just cruising around Lacamas Lake with it.”

He and his friends drove around for a while with their new trophy when a cop pulled them over.

The officer, Henry Scott, said the police were contacted by a concerned citizen who reported a live Bengal tiger on the loose.

When he noticed it was just a stuffed animal he snapped some quick photos of the beast “to send to all his buddies,” according to Zuvich.

The cat reportedly remains on top of his car and thinks the view is just “grrrrrrreat!”

A Michigan pastor named Rev. Matthew Makela (who is married with 5 kids) resigned this week from St. John’s Lutheran Church after he was caught cruising Grindr for men.

An anonymous source sent some screenshots of some of his chats to the gay news site Queerty, who exposed his hypocrisy to the church as well as the rest of the world.

In the conversations, he says he “loves making out naked,” “oral and massage,” and he reveals that he is a “top.”

Of course he probably just meant “top Biblical scholar,” right?

As Queerty points out, outing his private gay sex life is important here, as he has been an outspoken, anti-gay voice in his church and online.

He has compared being gay to being an alcoholic, and accused the transgender movement of assisting “opportunistic sickos.”

Queerty writes:

If Makela made even one LGBT kid at St. John’s “Christ-based” elementary school, their parents, friends, family or anyone who ever stepped foot in the church feel like being true to yourself is shameful (and it seems all too likely that he did), then we’re glad to share his hypocrisy with the world.

A senior pastor at the church posted the following statement in response to the story.

“The details of sin that have been kept confidential are being posted online by those who seek to do harm to the Makela family and to St. John’s,” writes Rev. Daniel Kempin. “This is taking an already difficult situation and making it even more painful.”

His profile on the church’s website has since been deleted from their staff page, and St. John’s is telling people not to pay attention to the story. Their Facebook page has also been deleted.

It appears they are trying to erase his online presence and pretend none of it ever happened.

Because if there’s one thing to learn from all this, burying the truth is clearly the best solution.

Breakfast of champions.

When Cynthia Rodriguez opened up her Nature Valley granola bar back in March, something dropped out and she thought she had won some sort of prize.

It turns out the “prize” was actually a tiny bag of c0caine, according to KENS5 News.

The Texas woman reported it to the authorities, who confirmed it was a drug, but they don’t yet know how it got into her snack treat.

General Mills, which owns the Nature Valley brand, released a statement on Wednesday denying anything to do with it.

“We referred this to the police department in March, and are confident this did not happen in our facility,” they said.

Rodriguez said she got the granola bars as part of a sample pack from someone a local store and it didn’t appear to have been opened.

While she may be worried about it happening again, someone on Nature Valley’s Facebook page just wants more.

Carly Fiorina has officially announced that she is running for president, and while the former Hewlett-Packard CEO has been heavily touting her tech expertise, she’s already made one big mistake online.

Her campaign failed to secure all of the big domains with her name, and one troll decided to useCarlyfiorina.org to make a statement about her leadership at HP.

“Carly Fiorina failed to register this domain,” the site reads. “So I’m using it to tell you how many people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard.”

The page is then filled with 30,000 emoticons of a frowny face to illustrated the number of layoffs.

If you scroll down to the bottom there’s more text with a quote from Fiorina.

The quote if from an interview Fiorina had with Fortune back in 2005.

If you go to Carlyfiorina.com you will be redirected to her actual campaign site,Carlyforpresident.com.

Hopefully we’ll get to see a “.cat” version in the near future as well from the guy who recently parodied the New York Times.

The source code for the site has a nice “demon sheep” Easter Egg and a link to a bonus page with an animated sheep with glowing red eyes.

This is a reference to the viral demon sheep attack ad from Fiorina in 2010, which had NY Magcalling her an “Internet genius.”

Unfortunately, she isn’t living up to that name with this domain gaffe, but she is doing a Periscope Q&A!

Ted Cruz had a similar problem on day one of his candidacy, failing to gain control of TedCruz.combefore his announcement.

As a result, anyone who goes to that website by mistake will simply see text that reads” “Support President Obama. Immigration Reform Now!”

The mayor of Ankara, Melih Gökçek, caused an uproar in April after installing a giant, Transformer-like robot named “Otorobot” in the city.

He was being sued by the Turkish Union of Engineers and Architects for “wasting” taxpayer dollars on the statue, which he claimed was to promote a new theme park called AnkaPark.

Well all the robot-haters have won the battle… but not the war.

The robot was finally removed this week, and it was replaced with a giant, menacing Tyrannosaurus Rex.

It’s 3 meters high and 10 meters long, according to Today’s Zaman.

The mayor stated that he would be replacing the robot with a dinosaur back on April 16, and he asked people on Twitter to vote on which one it should be. According to Hurriyet Daily News, #7 won the poll, which appears to be an Apatosauarus/Brontosaurus(?). But for some reason they ultimately went with the T-Rex.

This story just keeps gets weirder. What’s next, a giant alien or zombie?

Holy smokes!

A woman in Jerusalem was arrested this week for setting fire to a car because someone wouldn’t give her a cigarette.

Security cam footage shows the woman approaching a man at a gas station. After the rejection, she takes out a lighter and ignites the gas tank, which quickly bursts into flames.

Fortunately, the guy pulls out the pump preventing the car from exploding.

Here’s the appropriate way to respond to being denied a cigarette.

Here we go again.

Brian Klawiter, the owner of Dieseltec auto repair shop in Grandville, MI declared on the business’Facebook page Tuesday that they will not serve gay people because “homosexuality is wrong, period.”

From the post:

Enough is enough. Our rights as conservative Americans are being squashed more and more everyday. Apparently if you are white (or close to it), you have a job, go to church, and own a gun… That translates into racists, privileged, bigot, conspiracy theorist. Too many of us say nothing. Well, freedom of speech isn’t just for Liberals, THEY are the ones that need to learn to “co-exist”, THEY are the ones who need to WORK to be “equal”

So if you’re looking for a lube job, gays, look elsewhere, because Mr. Klawiter is not going to service you. Even if you have one of these sexy problems listed on his website.

Is your Duramax smoking? Does your Powerstroke not start when it’s hot? How about your Cummins, is it putting down the power it could be?

In fact, if you are gay and bring your car in for repairs, he jokes that he will put your vehicle together with all bolts and no nuts and you can see how that works.”

It might sound like a threat, but he later clarified his comments.

The bolt and nut thing was a reference to physiology, bolt penis and nut v@gina. I DID NOT threaten to purposely put a vehicle together wrong to harm someone.

WARNING gay bolt pr0n below.

While gays are not welcome, he says that guns are encouraged. He is offering a special deal to anyone who brings a firearm into his shop.

And as with the Memories Pizza debacle, the company’s Yelp page has already been inundated with negative reviews and humorous comments.

But don’t think about raising hundreds of thousands of dollars on a GoFundMe page for the poor guy, because he won’t take it.

“I also am not asking for anyone to do the gofundme postings,” he wrote. “We are a successful business and are blessed to be able to feed our families. If there is any money raised it will be redistributed to people with greater needs than ours.”

Here are some highlights from Yelp so far.