Probably bad News

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Spiders have already infiltrated our bananas, and now they’re souring another of our favorite fruits.

A 21-year-old woman in Vermont was recently bitten by a black widow spider after reaching into a bag of grapes she purchased at the local Shaw’s supermarket.

That’s a whole bunch of “nope” right there.

She and her mother captured the little culprit that had crawled up her arm and brought it with them to the hospital where the woman was treated and eventually released.

The creature is identifiable by a red hourglass-shape on its belly, so if you see the mark, stay away.

Here’s the supermarket’s statement about the incident, via WPTZ:

The health and safety of products we sell, and our customers, is our first concern. We have been closely monitoring the situation and been in contact with the family. We replaced product in the customer’s refrigerator as a precaution and took immediate action to inspect the product at the customer’s store. We also are inspecting the product in all of our stores and have been in touch with the supplier, which has an extensive food safety management system in place.

While their venom is poisonous, most people just experience a pin prick followed by dull muscle pain along with other possible symptoms.

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine:

Severe symptoms usually start to improve within 2 to 3 days, but milder symptoms may persist for several weeks. Death in a normally healthy individual is very rare. Young children, the extremely ill, and the elderly may not survive a bite.

Black widows were also found in bags of grapes in stores across several different states back in 2013.

This mast March a woman in Wales found a Brazilian Wandering Spider in her bag of bananas, which is considered the “world’s most venomous spider” by the Guinness World Records.

Other spiders have also been in the news a lot lately, particularly in Australia, where they are literally raining down from the sky as part of a phenomenon called “mass ballooning.”

Just don’t try to kill any of them, or you might end up with hundreds of even smaller spiders on your hands like this guy did.

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A man named Connor Zuvich found a discarded, stuffed tiger on the side of the road in Washington, so he did what anyone would do and strapped it to the roof of his car.

“The thing looked really realistic,” Zuvich told The Columbian. “We were just cruising around Lacamas Lake with it.”

He and his friends drove around for a while with their new trophy when a cop pulled them over.

The officer, Henry Scott, said the police were contacted by a concerned citizen who reported a live Bengal tiger on the loose.

When he noticed it was just a stuffed animal he snapped some quick photos of the beast “to send to all his buddies,” according to Zuvich.

The cat reportedly remains on top of his car and thinks the view is just “grrrrrrreat!”

funny-news-fail-pastor-grindr-lgbtq
Via Queerty
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A Michigan pastor named Rev. Matthew Makela (who is married with 5 kids) resigned this week from St. John’s Lutheran Church after he was caught cruising Grindr for men.

An anonymous source sent some screenshots of some of his chats to the gay news site Queerty, who exposed his hypocrisy to the church as well as the rest of the world.

In the conversations, he says he “loves making out naked,” “oral and massage,” and he reveals that he is a “top.”

Of course he probably just meant “top Biblical scholar,” right?

As Queerty points out, outing his private gay sex life is important here, as he has been an outspoken, anti-gay voice in his church and online.

He has compared being gay to being an alcoholic, and accused the transgender movement of assisting “opportunistic sickos.”

Queerty writes:

If Makela made even one LGBT kid at St. John’s “Christ-based” elementary school, their parents, friends, family or anyone who ever stepped foot in the church feel like being true to yourself is shameful (and it seems all too likely that he did), then we’re glad to share his hypocrisy with the world.

A senior pastor at the church posted the following statement in response to the story.

“The details of sin that have been kept confidential are being posted online by those who seek to do harm to the Makela family and to St. John’s,” writes Rev. Daniel Kempin. “This is taking an already difficult situation and making it even more painful.”

His profile on the church’s website has since been deleted from their staff page, and St. John’s is telling people not to pay attention to the story. Their Facebook page has also been deleted.

It appears they are trying to erase his online presence and pretend none of it ever happened.

Because if there’s one thing to learn from all this, burying the truth is clearly the best solution.

Via USA TODAY
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Breakfast of champions.

When Cynthia Rodriguez opened up her Nature Valley granola bar back in March, something dropped out and she thought she had won some sort of prize.

It turns out the “prize” was actually a tiny bag of c0caine, according to KENS5 News.

The Texas woman reported it to the authorities, who confirmed it was a drug, but they don’t yet know how it got into her snack treat.

General Mills, which owns the Nature Valley brand, released a statement on Wednesday denying anything to do with it.

“We referred this to the police department in March, and are confident this did not happen in our facility,” they said.

Rodriguez said she got the granola bars as part of a sample pack from someone a local store and it didn’t appear to have been opened.

While she may be worried about it happening again, someone on Nature Valley’s Facebook page just wants more.

funny-news-fail-carly-fiorina-site
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Carly Fiorina has officially announced that she is running for president, and while the former Hewlett-Packard CEO has been heavily touting her tech expertise, she’s already made one big mistake online.

Her campaign failed to secure all of the big domains with her name, and one troll decided to useCarlyfiorina.org to make a statement about her leadership at HP.

“Carly Fiorina failed to register this domain,” the site reads. “So I’m using it to tell you how many people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard.”

The page is then filled with 30,000 emoticons of a frowny face to illustrated the number of layoffs.

If you scroll down to the bottom there’s more text with a quote from Fiorina.

The quote if from an interview Fiorina had with Fortune back in 2005.

If you go to Carlyfiorina.com you will be redirected to her actual campaign site,Carlyforpresident.com.

Hopefully we’ll get to see a “.cat” version in the near future as well from the guy who recently parodied the New York Times.

The source code for the site has a nice “demon sheep” Easter Egg and a link to a bonus page with an animated sheep with glowing red eyes.

This is a reference to the viral demon sheep attack ad from Fiorina in 2010, which had NY Magcalling her an “Internet genius.”

Unfortunately, she isn’t living up to that name with this domain gaffe, but she is doing a Periscope Q&A!

Ted Cruz had a similar problem on day one of his candidacy, failing to gain control of TedCruz.combefore his announcement.

As a result, anyone who goes to that website by mistake will simply see text that reads” “Support President Obama. Immigration Reform Now!”

Via Zaman TV
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The mayor of Ankara, Melih Gökçek, caused an uproar in April after installing a giant, Transformer-like robot named “Otorobot” in the city.

He was being sued by the Turkish Union of Engineers and Architects for “wasting” taxpayer dollars on the statue, which he claimed was to promote a new theme park called AnkaPark.

Well all the robot-haters have won the battle… but not the war.

The robot was finally removed this week, and it was replaced with a giant, menacing Tyrannosaurus Rex.

It’s 3 meters high and 10 meters long, according to Today’s Zaman.

The mayor stated that he would be replacing the robot with a dinosaur back on April 16, and he asked people on Twitter to vote on which one it should be. According to Hurriyet Daily News, #7 won the poll, which appears to be an Apatosauarus/Brontosaurus(?). But for some reason they ultimately went with the T-Rex.

This story just keeps gets weirder. What’s next, a giant alien or zombie?

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Holy smokes!

A woman in Jerusalem was arrested this week for setting fire to a car because someone wouldn’t give her a cigarette.

Security cam footage shows the woman approaching a man at a gas station. After the rejection, she takes out a lighter and ignites the gas tank, which quickly bursts into flames.

Fortunately, the guy pulls out the pump preventing the car from exploding.

Here’s the appropriate way to respond to being denied a cigarette.

Via WOOD TV8
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Here we go again.

Brian Klawiter, the owner of Dieseltec auto repair shop in Grandville, MI declared on the business’Facebook page Tuesday that they will not serve gay people because “homosexuality is wrong, period.”

From the post:

Enough is enough. Our rights as conservative Americans are being squashed more and more everyday. Apparently if you are white (or close to it), you have a job, go to church, and own a gun… That translates into racists, privileged, bigot, conspiracy theorist. Too many of us say nothing. Well, freedom of speech isn’t just for Liberals, THEY are the ones that need to learn to “co-exist”, THEY are the ones who need to WORK to be “equal”

So if you’re looking for a lube job, gays, look elsewhere, because Mr. Klawiter is not going to service you. Even if you have one of these sexy problems listed on his website.

Is your Duramax smoking? Does your Powerstroke not start when it’s hot? How about your Cummins, is it putting down the power it could be?

In fact, if you are gay and bring your car in for repairs, he jokes that he will put your vehicle together with all bolts and no nuts and you can see how that works.”

It might sound like a threat, but he later clarified his comments.

The bolt and nut thing was a reference to physiology, bolt penis and nut v@gina. I DID NOT threaten to purposely put a vehicle together wrong to harm someone.

WARNING gay bolt pr0n below.

While gays are not welcome, he says that guns are encouraged. He is offering a special deal to anyone who brings a firearm into his shop.

And as with the Memories Pizza debacle, the company’s Yelp page has already been inundated with negative reviews and humorous comments.

But don’t think about raising hundreds of thousands of dollars on a GoFundMe page for the poor guy, because he won’t take it.

“I also am not asking for anyone to do the gofundme postings,” he wrote. “We are a successful business and are blessed to be able to feed our families. If there is any money raised it will be redistributed to people with greater needs than ours.”

Here are some highlights from Yelp so far.

Via NowThis
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Queen Elsa made an brief cameo at a boring Senate Finance Committee hearing on Thursday.

Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack was trying to speak, when “Let It Go” started blaring from across the room.

The culprit turned out to be Republican Sen. Pat Roberts from Kansas, who is apparently a closet “Frozen” fan.

“Aw, come on,” he said, turning it off while everyone in the room laughed. “Just let it go mister.”

A spokesperson later clarified to The Washington Post that the ringtone is actually for his kids. he also

“He balances it with Johnny Cash’s ‘I Walk the Line,'” she said. “He changes depending on the day.”

Riiiiight. Whatever you say Roberts.

funny-news-fail-cardboard-fort
Via Standard
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Welcome to Utah, where creativity is a crime.

Jeremy Trentelman recently built his 3-year-old son an epic fort made out of cardboard boxes. The castle-like structure was erected on his front lawn, and apparently the city thought it was just a piece of garbage.

A few days later, an Ogden City official posted a notice on his door saying that the fort needed to be removed within 15 days or else he would be forced to pay a $125 fine. According to the city, it violated Code 12-4-2, which prohibits waste material or junk on your lawn.

Trentelman posted a photo of the notice to Facebook along with a message expressing his outrage.

“Are you freakin’ kidding me?” he wrote. “‘Waste materials or junk’ it says… what about totally awesome fun zone. What a joke!”

His story has since spread online, and he’s been inviting strangers to come over to his house and check it out while it’s still there.

“Hey everyone, I’m home for the rest of the day,” he wrote. “Anyone wanna come play in the box fort?”

After the news broke, someone also created a Facebook page so people should show their support and build forts of their own in protest.

Calling on all the citizens of Ogden to stand in solidarity with Jeremy Trentelman by building cardboard forts in all the front yards throughout the entire city of Ogden.

The moral of the story: Stick to your iPad’s and video games, kids, and don’t even think about recycling. That stuff belongs in the trash.

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Well, she can check that one off her bucket list.

Karen Davis of Port Pirie, Australia has exposed her breasts to the entire world via Google Street View, and she is ecstatic.

"I look at Google Maps a lot and I wanted to be on there and I thought this is the way to do it," she said.

She recently chased down the mapping car and flipped up her shirt just in time for the image to be immortalized online. Although Google seems to have since blurred out her entire body.

News sites all over the world have reported on her little stunt, which she says was mostly for fun. But there was also a message behind it.

"I want my kids to be proud of their body and proud of who they are no matter what they look like," she told The Project.

She was later reported to the police for disorderly behavior, because someone doesn't have a sense of humor.

And she recently turned herself in to the authorities.

"I thought I would save them the petrol," she told The Recorder.

Via al.com
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Walmart not only has falling prices, it’s also got strange men falling out of the ceiling.

A shoplifter was apprehended by security at a store in Mobile, Alabama last Wednesday after trying to walk away with a debit card, some shoes, a hat, a watch and some underwear.

They locked him up in the security office, but he mysteriously disappeared.

“He had climbed on a desk, jumped into the ceiling, then tried to escape,” said a witness named Brannan Lynn, who recorded the whole thing on his phone.

The suspect made his way to the entryway of the store where he then kicked he way through, dangling for a few minutes before hopping down to the ground.

He eventually ran into the parking lot and drove away in his car.

You can check out some more raw footage of the daring escape on LiveLeak.

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An hateful Ohio woman with terrible grammar has incurred the wrath of the Internet with her rude response to a disabled woman.

Ashley Brady lost her leg in 2014 in an accident, and she now uses a prosthetic one to help her walk.

She was given a designated handicapped parking spot at her apartment complex this month so it would be easier for her to get to her car, but another woman who was not handicapped started parking there instead.

Brady left a letter on the woman’s car complaining that she was in her spot and that she would be towed if she did it again. The woman replied with another note which has since gone viral, because she is the absolutely the worst.

The Amputee Coalition of America posted her note to their Facebook page which you can view below.

The messages reads:

Hey handicap! First, never place your hands on my car again! Second, honey you ain’t the only one with “struggles.” You want pity go to a one leg support group! You messed with the wrong one! I don’t care what your note said shove it, but you touch my car again I will file a report, I am not playing! I let the office know the cry baby one leg touches my property I will cause trouble so go cry your struggles to someone who cares cause I’m walking away with both mine!

“I read it probably like five times, over and over, because my brain just couldn’t even process the level of mean that it was,” Brady said.

Since posting the letter, she’s received lots of support from strangers on Facebook.

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Can you spot the man in the photo above?

Inept car thief Jose Espinoza was running from the cops in Madera, California last weekend, when he came up with what he believed was a genius escape plan.

He spray painted himself black as a disguise. Needless to say, it didn't work, especially considering he was standing next to a white wall, as Corp. Josiah Arnold told CNN.

The Madera Police Department later posted his mugshot to Facebook, with this amazing caption: "The camouflage was ineffective."

Your move Florida Man.

funny-news-fail-airlines-spirit
Via Fox 9
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Spirit Airlines’ marketing department is run by teenage boys.

A recent promo on their website has gotten some people all hot and bothered with its blatant sexual innuendoes.

The ad, which expired on March 17, was for $69 round trip flights to celebrate the addition of its 69th plane.

From the promo:

We’ve been waiting to hit 69 planes for years. It’s our favorite number – ever since we were twelve and found that magazine under our brother’s bed (the one with the fantastic articles). #69 is perfect: just the right size, with a cockpit that’s in your face (because it’s bright yellow). Use your mouth to spread the word: Spirit is in an even better position to get you where you’re going. We’re popping an epic Bare Fare in celebration! $69.00* round trip!

And yes it’s very real.

“The goal with our marketing is to provide information about our low fares to our customers, in a unconventional manner, without the ads costing so much that we need to increase fares to cover those costs,” the company told Fox 9 in a statement.

Their “bare fare” policy is to charge less for a ticket, but not included typical perks that other airlines have like free beverages or carry-on bags. As a result of all the hidden fees, Spirit has become the most complained about airline in the U.S.

As the Huffington Post points out, the airline also launched – and were subsequently ridiculed for –a promotion last year that tied into the celebrity nude photo scandal.

Via Cartoo545
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Meet Julie Bishop, Minister for Foreign Affairs and human emoji.

During an interview with Bishop on the Today show in Australia this week, host Karl Stefanovic brought up news that Governor-General Peter Cosgrove’s staff wanted a $2000 Thermomix for their kitchen.

He then asked Bishop if she knew what a Thermomix was. (It’s an expensive device that both heats and mixes food at the same time.)

“I’m going to answer in emoji,” she said, going on to make a weird face.

Well played. But which emoji was she impersonating?